The Bachelorette 2016 Week 2 Live Blog and Recap

To no one’s surprise, those odd terms ABC sometimes uses to describe contestants’ occupations—such as “hipster,” “twin” or “Craigslist respondent #374″—are euphemisms for “unemployed.”  In my day, you would just put “consultant” on your resume, and hope no one asked for your expert advice on brand strategy or semi-conductors.

In tonight’s episode, JoJo will cull another three from the group of potential hubbies, which in no season has included a Forbes 500 CEO, neurosurgeon, or Food Network celebrity chef, which is unusual because those guys appear on every reality show short of Meet the Press.

According to  exhaustive research conducted from 7:54 to 7:58 this evening, Jordan won’t be one of the rejects, since even before there’s been any overt crying on the show, he’s projected to take home the win. The prevailing view among Bachelor/ette experts—easily identified by the title Reality Show Transparent Gimmickry Consultant on their LinkedIn accounts—is that the first contestant to exit the limo for the initial introductions is the one most likely to become engaged. This theory is supported by such compelling evidence as Lauren B. having had that very spot in Ben’s season, in addition to rising sea levels eliminating more and more famewhoring single people on our shorelines.

In Jordan’s case, not only did he receive the First Impression Rose, but he was the first bachelor JoJo kissed, at least on camera. The bad news is that their couple name will have to be JoJordan. Maybe JordanJo Unchained. I’ll have to think about it.

Tonight love is in the air in San Francisco. Unfortunately, so are jealousy, resentment, and manbickering. Nevertheless, JoJo wakes up feeling great about this dream come true to make out with nearly two dozen guys with great hair. She’s hopeful that she’ll find the love that Ben and Lauren found, although not the love that Andi and Josh found.

The guys make a toast to the perfect girl with their glasses of OJ. They also toast JoJo. Chad is confident that he can mow them all over to win JoJo’s hand. Then Chris, who doesn’t even bother to put on a tie anymore, arrives to explain there will be two group dates and one group date. If that one guy doesn’t get a rose, though, off he goes. The stakes are as high as half of Colorado during flu season.

The first group date card is read. The guys fist-pump as their names are called. JoJo must enjoy being regarded like a winning fantasy football pick. But before they can share what they’ll be wearing to the date, a huge explosion sounds outside. Rushing out, they find the limo in flames.  I suppose the insurance company isn’t a member of Bachelorette Nation. The men stand by helplessly, as the director suggests, until a fire engine pulls up with sirens blaring. JoJo leaps out, looking sexy as she grabs a hose and helps perpetrate a fraudulent waste of San Francisco taxpayers’ money.

They’re ready for their hot date now. HOT, get it? I know I’m burned up. Chad feels JoJo will compare everyone else to him, and he will be found superior. It’s just like when he sold used cars and showed his customers the lemons first so they’d appreciate the good cars. Unfortunately, his lot only sold AMC cars.

The group date is at the Fire Academy, where professionals firefighters are trained. This is how JoJo will know who can take care of her in an emergency, but will this prepare the men for when she runs out of Tampax at 3:00 in the morning? They don suits and helmets, then chop into some plywood squares as if gaining entry to a burning building. They worked twice this hard to gain entry to the casting office. Wells can’t hold up under the exhausting demand of three takes of axe-wielding while smiling. He must lie down and drink branded water. JoJo treats him with a medicinal display of her cleavage.

The next exercise is saving JoJo from another treacherous situation that could have been prevented with a good-quality smoke alarm. The men drag their hoses—no metaphor there—and rush to reach the rooftop where she awaits her hero. Grant wins. Isn’t he a firefighter, though? To be fair, they should have a challenge to learn tech sales and save JoJo money on her next software upgrade. Luke is frustrated. His hose has proved useless before.

That night, at the gathering, JoJo learns that Grant will never leave their house without saying goodbye and kissing her, because as a firefighter, on any given day he might not come back. Better he should get a good life insurance policy.

Derek gets the one-on-one date back at the house. He is pleased. I’m confused because I didn’t recall there being a Derek in the group. But he can’t win because Jorek sounds like the name of one of Superman’s cousins on Krypton.

JoJo tells all the guys she was impressed with their performances. She then asks Wells to go off with her. She thinks he was amazing for not giving up, although he did exactly that, and for owning his pathetic failure as a man. He shows her pictures of his bloodhound, which he also owns. I hope the dog’s name is Fargo.

Next JoJo makes out with Luke. He declares that the moment of their first kiss feels good and right, as opposed to bad and wrong, like it felt when his 8th grade algebra teacher kissed him. Luke really wants that rose. When the time to present it arrives, though, JoJo gives it to Wells. She’s a sucker for weaklings with big dogs.

Now Derek prepares for his date. He feels validated that JoJo felt the same connection he did when they met. They climb into a turquoise vintage sports car, and drive off to see if they can agree on some important decisions about their date. The first is between sky and sea; both agree sky because neither brought a bathing suit. I was hoping for a more interesting choice, like execution by firing squad or hanging.

They arrive at an airfield to find two planes that apparently only fly in one direction, since they must choose north and south. North it is. They land to find, again, two limos that can go to either Lombard Street or the Golden Gate Bridge. Is this some kind of transit union requirement?

The bridge it is. As they picnic by the water, JoJo feels she couldn’t have picked a better guy for this first one-on-one date. This despite Jordan being her clear favorite and the fact that Derek looks like the Property Brothers’ less successful cousin.

Back at the house, the guys sing a stupid song about JoJo. Chad and Daniel discuss wooing her. Disgusted by the competition. Chad asks derisively what would be in a “dude protein shake” if you made one from the remaining contestants. Even Jeffrey Dahmer didn’t liquefy his victims. Alex is concerned that he might not make the second group date when the card arrives. He does, though, as does Chad, who nods smugly and then condemns the ones who must stay home.

That night, Derek and JoJo are pleased they could agree on a compass direction and local landmark in the course of getting to know each other today. Views on religion, children, and sexual preferences can wait. They also discuss past relationships, because that’s as important as whether you visit a bridge or a street. As is apparently required of everyone who appears on this show, Derek has trouble opening up. Closed, open, vulnerable, connected, sharing, choices, and understanding are all chapter headings in the Bachelorette Handbook of Approved Relationship References. Derek gets the rose. He can keep it where he opened up.

Group date time. The men arrive at ESPN studios, where they must prove their love to the nation, or at least the population that watches sports. The hosts of Sports Nation are fake-broadcasting with JoJo’s commentary. Claiming they are huge fans of The Bachelorette, which is as likely as my dog being a huge fan of the vacuum cleaner department at Best Buy, the hosts say they want to help JoJo choose a mate. They;re also probably interested in getting a little action with her themselves.

The guys’  first challenge is to innovate a football victory dance moves with a giant rose. Jordan grabs his crotch and gets Astroturf burn on his knees. Christian proves all black men cannot dance. Then they all must propose to JoJo with a giant gumball-machine ring. After that, they’ll be asked to concuss themselves and beat her up in an elevator.

The final drill is Rose Rankings. The guys are asked to name their best qualities in a wife, why they want to marry, and why JoJo is that woman. James Taylor sings his answers. It’s kind of like the Newlywed Game without the flower trellis set and light blue eye shadow.

A persistently surly Chad attacks the other guys’ responses as lame and immature. During his turn, he insists he doesn’t know enough about JoJo to praise her, and thinks the other guys are faking or delusional if they think they love JoJo already. “I can’t say you’re the greatest girl I ever met,” he snarls. JoJo likes that he’s honest and upfront, which explains why she’s voting for Donald Trump.

The men wait anxiously as the hosts evaluate their answers. Who would you want as a brother-in-law coming to hang out with you, they ask each other thougtfully. In other words, the guy they would share the occasional beer with is a greater concern for JoJo than whom she might want to care for her during a course of chemotherapy.

Finally, they announce the top three in the Rose Rankings. Alex is third, followed by Chad, who rates second for being honest and appearing to be a good teammate for a quick game of touch football. Alex is understandably disgusted. The winner is, unexpectedly, James Taylor. Chad seethes at the results. He feels he is the only one who has a real connection with JoJo, as the DSM indicates stalkers often do.

That evening, JoJo greets the guys happily. She’s glad they had fun with the date, and they impressed her in ways that substantive conversation could never accomplish. And because two complete strangers from a TV sports show chose James for her, she’s going to pay more attention to him. It certainly worked out well when I dated the guy my aunt’s hairstylist recommended after he was able to get a can of fruit cocktail off a high shelf for her at the market.  James is modest and praiseworthy of JoJo’s attentions. They kiss. He has weird hair, piled up in tight curls on top of his head like Aunt Fritzi’s.

Chad despises the other guys for their presumed weakness, sycophancy, and incompetence. He would make a good Dickens villain. JoJo feels he’s overcompensating for something, perhaps his tiny dog. After all, Wells has that giant bloodhound and Chad a mere Yorkie. But he insists he’s ready for a relationship, despite his not having opposable thumbs. They kiss.

The rose is presented to James. “Ah donought duzzorve her,” James enthuses coyly as the other men smile weakly. Meanwhile, Chad has bought a bottle of Aveeno Active Naturals and is preparing to dig a hole in the mansion basement.

At the cocktail party, the guys discuss what the evening will be like, aside from a lot of cuts to use Tide Stain Stick on their lapels. Then Chad sneaks out to intercept JoJo outside with a glass of wine. The other guys remark on how distant he’s been, in between his abusing them. Thus everyone is shocked when JoJo and Chad arrive together. What does it mean? What’s happening? How was this not in the script?

They confront Chad. He is bemused by their concern. He was just getting some air, he claims, and a cameraman, producer, assistant director, and three PAs came with him. Alex is particularly ruffled. Probably that third-place standing still chafes.

Chase next sits with JoJo in front of the fireplace. Since he wants her to get to know his world, which is apparently the North Pole, they wear mittens while fake snow is strewn on them. Meanwhile, everyone else is now criticizing Chad for eating a lot, but that seems like the one  admirable thing about him. Only a fool would turn down free food. Yet he takes no pleasure in the snacks, he’s merely play-acting to torment the group. He’s like one of those goateed evil doubles from the original Star Trek.

Chad again sneers that the other guys are immature. He compares them to frat boys or a military platoon. The fact that it’s Memorial Day seals Chad’s reputation as the spawn of Satan. He wants to talk more with JoJo, who asks if he’s happy there. She can’t figure out his character this season.  But he says he gets a good feeling thinking about her and looking at her, which I hope he covers with a napkin. Then he describes the other guys, who are angry at his monopolizing JoJo’s time,  as a bunch of Care Bears threatening to hurt him. They’re more like a bunch of Ken dolls from 1967, but okay.

Evan is next to be cuckolded, but he is helpless to stop the demonic force that is Chad. He is confronted again by the others. They accuse him of lurking so he can swoop in and steal JoJo. In response, he threatens violence like The Duke in a 50’s Western, only without the chaps. Alex is ready to punch him in the face, and he will even drop his beer to do it. Now that’s a real man.

As the Rose Ceremony begins, Chad is still munching away. Maybe he’s one of those people who tries to eat his anger. Alex gets the first rose, followed by Christian and Robby. Chad grumbles that two of them are short. Luke is next, then Chase. In between, we hear bow everyone hates the idea of Chad getting a rose, and that includes Chris and the crafts services people. Jordan is next, followed by Grant and Ali. Chad sneers. Daniel accepts a rose next, then James F. and Nick. Alex fears that if Chad receives a rose, it will shame the meaning of it. Chad earning a rose will turn the flower into garbage, and not even compost, in a way being associated with the show for countless seasons still hasn’t managed.

Next Vinny and Evan get roses until, finally, only one is left. Chad remains confident— smug, even. It goes to him, of course. The hipster shakes his head sadly, and then the three rejects depart as Evan declares, “Any of them would be better than Chad.”

Next week is a two-night event. Double the Chad, double your pleasure. Confrontations grow heated, even ugly. Someone is made to bleed, even, and to give you a hint, it’s not JoJo’s time of the month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About E.M. Rosenberg 240 Articles
Favorite 40-volume series issued by Time-Life Music: Sounds of the Seventies. Favorite backsplash material: Subway tile. Favorite screen legend I pretend wasn’t gay: Cary Grant. Favorite issue you should not even get me started about: Venal, bloodsucking insurance industry. Favorite character from the comic strip “Nancy”: Sluggo, or maybe Rollo. Favorite Little Debbie snack: Nutty Bars. Favorite Monkee: Mike.