The Bachelorette 2013 – Sparkles’ Season Premiere Bachcrap

Sparkles’ The Bachelorette Bachcrap Episode One

Hello again, Sparkles here for my first ever bachcrap of ABC’s The Bachelorette. Bachcrap stands for crappy recap of the Bachelorette (Sparkles made up a new word)! If you haven’t already, please check out my precrap that was posted earlier today. It’s a preliminary recrap that goes through what to expect this season. Also check out Rosewise’ superb recap to get the play by play of everything that went down on this week’s exciting show. All of the details and drama are there. But now it’s time for a little color commentary by Sparkles.

We’re here to watch Des as she takes that journey from misery and heartbreak to being in love and engaged. Meanwhile, the only journey Sparkles will be taking is the one that has my ass going from my fridge to the sofa because it’s time to pop a cold one and stare blankly at my ginourmous TV for the next two hours. Say what you want about The Bachelor/Bachelorette but this show has high enough ratings to last 26 seasons. It’s often imitated but never quite successfully duplicated. For example, there was a fat guy version called “More To Love” and a little person version called “The Littlest Groom.” There are even International versions including Romania’s “Burlacul” and Germany’s “Der Bachelor.” And no, I’m not making any of that up. But enough on the background of this show. Let’s get to this version with our bachelorette Desiree “Des” Hartsock.

What exactly is a hartsock? It really seems like it should be something. Maybe a medical device? A type of footwear? It definitely gets that damn Neil Diamond “Heartlight” song stuck in my head…”turn on your hartsock, let it shine wherever you go, let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see…” Let’s just hope this season isn’t as crappy as that song. So the show starts out with some scenes on what to expect this season. We see the old standbys like fireworks, beaches, castles, helicopter rides and hot tubs. Then some drama with punches being thrown and lots of tears. I’m not sure if these punches are real or just rehearsals for some competition or something. Then Des talks about how going on this show is the “ultimate risk.” Seems like maybe there are more riskier endeavors in this world but what do I know.

This year we have a Cinderella theme, but with the crazy brother instead of the mean stepsisters. Yes, as always, there will be a journey. One that Chris Harrison promises will have drama, conflict and heartbreak. But before we get to that we have to see Des rollerblading in short shorts and a bikini top for no apparent reason. Then it’s time for videos of some of the guys back in their hometowns talking about why they’re going on the show. Only a few caught my eye. There was the military guy because guys in uniform are hot! And the banker who does yoga even though, as he says, not many black guys do yoga. Although I have to admit he lost me a bit when he was asking random people on the street to high five him.

Now we finally get to meet each guy as he introduces himself to Des for the first time. There’s a shirtless guy who says “will you accept these abs?” and Des seems to like what she sees. One guy says he likes to dance so he twirls her and tries to dip Des but her dress gets caught in her heel and she almost falls. One guy gives Des a room key and a card that invites her to a fantasy suite. If you’ve never seen the show before, when they get to the final two Chris Harrison gives them the chance to give up their individual rooms and spend the night together in a “fantasy suite.” Most of the time they end up doing it to “get time to talk” but perhaps something more romantic ensues. Anyway, totally douchey move for this guy to bring this up after meeting Des for 10 seconds and she wisely turns him down. We finally get the cool entrance guy when one drives up on a motorcycle. There is always a guy with a kid but this time the guy actually brings the kid along with him in the limo. This kid may be a future bachelor because once daddy shuffles him off to grandma he says he wishes he could stay at the party. Somebody get this boy a kiddie pool sized hot tub immediately. And there was the cliche entrance guy. On last season’s Bachelor a woman exited the limo in a wedding dress. So this season we get a guy dressed as a knight in shining armor. The poor guy can barely walk and when he enters the mansion the other guys say some of the best lines of the night. My faves were “welcome to Medieval Times” and “don’t go near the pool because you’re probably not gonna float.”

It’s time for the guys to have a few drinks, try to get a few minutes alone with Des and then have a few more drinks. Des gets to hand out roses anytime and doesn’t have to wait for the “ceremony” so the guys are trying to get some one on one time. The first rose goes to the guy with the kid so that worked out well for him. The shirtless guy takes off his pants and jumps in the pool and is disappointed when another guy takes Des away almost immediately. But later on, when Des goes to get a rose to give to another guy she sees the shirtless dude and nonchalantly says “you get a rose for jumping in the pool” and the guy is ecstatic. The dude who tried to dance and dip her apologizes to Des for screwing that up. He’s acting really weird though, taking his glasses off and on and staring at her really intensely that it’s no wonder he doesn’t get a rose. Later on, when he’s eliminated, he goes on and on about “the dip” when it was really what a dip he was. Too bad because he was a cute doctor. Talking of eliminations, the fantasy suite guy says that he has to talk to Des again to give her a chance to reconsider his offer. But first he has to do a few pushups. I kid you not. As he ponders what to say to her he says some of my other fave lines of the night: “my mom says I’m good looking” and “my love tank has not been depleted for years, it’s just been steadily building.” It’s no wonder Des tells him that she doesn’t want to wait for the Rose Ceremony and he can leave right now. Way to go Des. That guy was a total d-bag/plant/wannabe actor/future Bachelor Pad contestant.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony! This time Chris Harrison used a knife and not a fork to tap a wine glass to signify that the final roses must be given out. There’s nothing too surprising here. The guy in shining armor is eliminated as is the guy who did magic tricks all night. It’s too soon to see a frontrunner here and they usually don’t make it to the end anyway. I just hope she dumps the guy who constantly talks in hashtags though because that’s #superannoying #totallystupid #stopusinghashtagsdumbass

Finally it’s time to see what Chris Harrison calls “exciting highlights of upcoming shows.” This looks like what they showed at the top of the show. Lots of talk about fairytales, lots of bleeping and plenty of man tears. Another good quote when one guys girlfriend shows up and calls him a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig.” The guy looks smug and Chris Harrison has to confront him about not being honest. Oh, the drama! I don’t remember seeing the requisite ambulance, although there was one shot of a guy with a big bandage on his thumb so someone must get injured. It just wouldn’t be the Bachelor/Bachelorette without at least one episode with an ambulance.

So what did you think? I’m sure I missed some things as my mind totally wandered here and there. Things will surely heat up when they start traveling the world to go on “amazing” dates. Not to mention when these guys start stripping and jumping in the hot tub. That will surely hold Sparkles’ attention. But bye for now and we’ll see you next week: same bachtime, same bachchannel and same bachblog for next week’s amazing/exciting/dramatic bachcrap.

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