Reports claim that during one of tonight’s one-on-one dates, a woman from Nick’s past interrupts the couple with surprising information. Is it Andi or Kaitlyn to let the ‘ette know he’s a terrible in the sack? Is it his mom to say he still sleeps with his blankie? Or is it a producer with the stats showing he’s the least popular of all the Bachelors since Juan Pablo? Actually, that wouldn’t be a surprise.
Also tonight, the other single ladies on the group date take on the role of sexy farm-hands, which likely includes making out in a pile of hay and riding horses in suggestive slow-mo. On the final one-on-one, the lucky gal gets to meet Nick’s sister, Bella, with whom they go roller skating. Not only does this describe several dates I had in junior high, but Bella Viall sounds like an herbal remedy for hot flashes.
Also, Corinne’s mom doesn’t like her daughter being edited to appear as a self-centered, oversexed hussy. Fortunately, there’s a support group for those cast members, and under the new administration, it will be covered by health insurance.
Here we go. The drama continues, cries Chris, who is always so insightful. Still at the pool, the gals discuss Corinne straddling Nick in the bouncy house. There’s a sentence you don’t hear every day. Vanessa confronts Nick about it. She questions whether he wants a wife, or a sex doll, or a wife who doesn’t mind if he also has a sex doll. He shifts uncomfortably, but insists he always wants to know when she’s angry. #AlternativeFacts.
Chris arrives to proclaim it’s Rose Ceremony time and that he’s starting a line of plaid shirts. Nick tells the gals it’s all about the end game. Every woman wants their future husband to decide to marry her based on where his last pawn lands up. Taylor and Sarah go to talk to Corinne about Bouncyhousegate, but she brushes off their concerns. “You do you,” she advises sagely.
Night falls on the mansion. The girls gather for the ceremony, as anxious as the elected officials in charge of questioning Betsy DeVos about education policy. Chris asks Nick about Corinne, too, because everyone wants to know with what it feels like to have sex in a colorful inflated structure.
The ceremony begins. Nick enthuses that it was another amazing week in which they were all honest and transparent, something that will never be said to Sean Spicer. The first rose goes to someone, then Taylor, then–why do I not recognize anyone? Following them is Kristina, Jasmine, and Alexis. Tension mounts and the trombonist gets winded. Next is Astrid, Danielle, and Jami, then Jessica and Sarah. The music swells anew as the final rose waits to be awarded. Will it be Corinne? Does Nick get aroused by the mere mention of flesh-colored Spanx?
As Corinne accepts her rose, Taylor is disgusted and Vanessa suggests the two only have a physical connection. Rejected Christen is upset, probably because she didn’t save the receipts for all her gowns. Meanwhile, Brittany now understands why people cry on the show after being sent home. She’ll attend the next Women’s March to raise awareness of the issue.
The girls glare at each other the next day until Chris comes by to tell them to take pride in the fact that they’re still there. Ashley Judd has a poem about that, too. And he has good news: Everyone is going to Nick’s hometown of Waukesha, WI. It’s an even more peculiar place to visit than Kellyanne Conway’s stylist’s imagination. Everyone is thrilled at the potential to meet Nick’s parents, get some good beer, and try to find the Happy Days house.
The parents never expected their son to be in this situation again, similar to how the Bushes never expected W. to be re-elected, since he was such a failure the first time. Nick discusses his feelings with them. Mom looks dubious at his claim that he’s ready for commitment, considering he never remembered to feed his goldfish. Will he know what it’s like to be in love, she wonders. So far he only knows what it’s like to have Corinne climb on him like a jungle gym.
Nick rejoins the group to announce there will be a one-on-one date right now, with Danielle L. of the ombre hair. She giggles more often than Woody Woodpecker, and seems even less personable. They stroll through the fall foliage to downtown Waukesha as Nick notes that they had physical chemistry when they first met, so now it’s time to find out if she’s coherent. They stop at a bakery to decorate some cookies, feed each other frosting, then make out among the flour sacks. Too bad for the bakery that the public health department has this on their DVR.
When they return to the street, Nick recognizes one of his exes sitting in a coffee shop, where she’s likely studying her lines for this scene. The ex asks Danielle if she has any questions about Nick, since watching him for two seasons of the show and a round of Bachelor in Paradise told us very little beyond how he looks in swim trunks. Then the couple leave her and take the camera crew with them to lie on a blanket in a field and discuss the absurd demands they made of their exes. After that, it’s time to make out in the rain. Goodbye, grey sky, hello, blue, there’s nothing can hold me when I hold you.
Before the umpteenth commercial, the show inserts an announcement about casting for the next seasons. I nominate Melania Trump for The Bachelorette, since she should be ready to look elsewhere very soon.
We return as night falls, and Danielle’s breasts join Nick for drinks. He asks her about her what her flaws are. If she’s says “frigidity” or “a tendency to gain weight in the thighs,” it’s all over between them. But no, she says it’s that her parents are divorced, which is not usually viewed as a flaw for the offspring unless her dad found out she was the mailman’s kid. It was tough for her to form relationships after her parents split. It was also tough for her mom to pay for Danielle’s implants by herself.
A card arrives back at the house. A large group will go on the group date, leaving Raven for the one-on-one. Quoth the Raven, “It’s not Corinne.” Meanwhile, Danielle yabbers on about wanting to find a relationship that will not end in divorce, which is as edifying as claiming you want to find a house without a termite infestation. In any event, depending on Nick to achieve that result is like relying on Trump to fund the arts.
Danielle accepts the rose. They go off to join a concert given by someone I never heard of, where they dance slowly in front of the screaming crowds. Just once, can’t they go to dinner and a movie?
Next day, the rest of the girls arrive on a farm, where they report smelling cows and nature. Citizen journalists offer such a refreshing view. Corinne doesn’t want to be there, since there’s no bouncy barn.
Nick explains that he has fond memories of playing on a dairy farm as a child, and possibly abusing the sheep. He wants to see if the women are willing to do the chores without falling off their heels or ruining their manicures. Chris Soules has to be watching this segment with great resentment.
First they feed the cows some hay; a production assistant explains that it’s like crafts services for barnyard animals. Now Nick is going to milk Bossy. He’s so bad at it that the cow doesn’t ever want to spend time with him in the Fantasy Suite. Next they shovel great piles of manure, much like the producers do every episode.
An aghast Corinne has had enough, and goes outside to mope. The other women sneer at her poor attitude, unaware that Nick is not concerned about anybody’s upper body strength.
Back home, Raven is excited for her date. It will involve “kicking it,” which sounds romantic if you’re a Rockette. Meanwhile, Corinne explains that she couldn’t shovel poop due to a “hand issue.” She better not tell Nick that.
As the gathering afterwards, Nick goes off with Kristina, who mentions that she didn’t have it easy growing up. Nick wants her to open up about her past. It’s always a past, not just what happened recently, despite the fact that they’re all under 29. The other girls complain that Corinne is immature and unready to commit, unlike all of them with their dedication to marrying a guy who was rejected by two other women on TV.
Vanessa brought Nick a book made by her young students. He seems to have trouble reading simple sentences that are not published in Penthouse Forum. The other girls are back to confronting Corinne. She apologizes for napping a lot, but that was easier for the director than making her learn lines. The women feel she didn’t take in what they were saying. Neither did I, but only because I heard the exact same conversation in seasons 8 through 19.
Nick feels up Jasmine’s hand as she admits to wanting to be vulnerable. He’s grateful she can open up to him. She can certainly reveal her tongue to him. Kristina interrogates Corinne some more about her being ready for marriage. Corinne stalks away angrily. I’ve written that sentence at least 18 times before with a different name in it.
Corinne now talks with Nick about communication being key. He understands feeling isolated on the show, and is glad she said something about it. His extensive experience as a member of a group of men dating the same person has proved invaluable. So they are now free to make out–but shockingly, they just briefly hug.
Here’s the rose. Kristina gets it, which enrages Corinne, who feels she was attacked by her. It’s kind of like when Bernie Sanders yelled at Rex Tillerson for not giving ta satisfactory answer about the Russians.
Raven is happy to be the first girl to get a home-town date. She eagerly greets Nick, who is wearing skinny jeans. They’re going to play soccer in his small town. John Mellencamp wrote a lesser-known song about this segment. Nick’s little sister Bella is on the field with her team. She’s about ten, so you’re forced to wonder if it took the parents 20 years to recover from getting stuck with Nick for a son. Raven meets the parents, too, who approve of her weird name.
Roller skating commences, as well as the purchase of penny candy and arcade games. Bella just really wants another sister-n-law, so she is not there for the right reasons. Nick likes having Raven squat down and skate between his legs. They make out as they roll along, angering the organ player.
That night, the couple goes to a museum for dinner, because visiting the venue to view artwork is apparently not an enjoyable date. Raven is dressed like a saloon prostitute from the future. They discuss past relationships, because you really need to know about that kind of thing before a person’s job, religion or favorite flavor of ice cream.
Raven describes in vivid detail how her ex cheated on her. She caught them in the act, resulting in her seeing the other women’s vagina. “To recap, they were both naked?” Nick probes with interest. He’s the Columbo of infidelity. Raven receives the rose after they establish that this tragic episode from her past doesn’t mean she won’t want to see another stranger’s vagina at some point.
The gals head to the cocktail party, which is being held in a barn that is strangely similar to the one in Chris’s season, when they were in Idaho or Montana or someplace. Danielle grabs him first, promising to return him soon, like a salt shaker. The others bitch about this aggressive move by a rose-haver. Taylor is particularly annoyed, so she goes to interrupt the pair in front of the firepit. As Danielle is blathering about not holding back and going for it, Taylor looms above them. Nick embraces her and starts macking on her face, no conversation necessary.
As the others toss back hors-d’oeuvres and liquor, they complain about everyone else’s motives and attitudes. Corinne stuffs her cheeks like a chipmunk as she vows to get back at Taylor. “I’m not going to be fake to you,” she tells Taylor, despite the fact that her entire face is constructed of silicon and Sephora. Taylor questions her maturity, coping skills, and intelligence. Corinne wants an explanation of that last point, convinced it’s insulting but not exactly how.
“I did not treat you like an idiot,” Corinne flares. But if the cereal box says flakes, you can be sure to find some inside.
This is where we end, with the most banal cliffhanger since PBS cut short its documentary on Bulgarian economics. Next week: Who will go home? How much more insufferable can Nick become? And whose vagina will Raven see against her will?
