The Bachelor — Season 18, Episode 1801 — Live Blog and Discussion

Juan Pablo sets off tonight on his journey to find everlasting love and a new entry on his Wikipedia page. Nine women will lose their chance to cleave their flesh with their one and only soulmate and be on Leno.  Those of you who struggle to reconcile that a loving God can permit such hellish human suffering, please consult a member of the clergy or knock back some bourbon before tuning in.

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo has been busy offering more substantial contributions to Western culture than an impossibly pretty face and wildly lucrative ratings for a non-cable network. For example, he taught loutish, monolingual Americans how to say “duck face” in Spanish (la cara de pato), and doggedly pursued the definition of “jeggings” through a Twitter-based interrogation.

Once Wheel of Fortune is blessedly over, we’ll launch into the 18th timeless love story of a man and his 27 romantic dates arranged by a production company. It’s a tale as old as Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, and Kody Brown and the sister wives. By the way, the answer is PRYING QUESTIONS, you moron. Good gravy, he had almost all the letters.

JP can’t believe he’s The Bachelor. It’s a great opportunity for him to make money get his own show find love. Before we get to all that, though, we must review again how much he loves his daughter Camila. Finally, he mentions the child’s mother — as anonymously as if she were in the Witness Protection Program, but we’re making progress, feminists.  We learn how hard it is to be a dad, especially with cameras following you. Apparently, the job requires a lot of heart-drawing. JP contemplatively kicks a soccer ball on the beach at sunset as he considers what love will mean for his future and Camila’s.

“It’s all tonight,” Chris intones after yet another montage of cocktail-dress-clad store mannequins alternately sobbing and complaining about the unexpected emotions of their situation–the one they’ve watched a previous parade of their own doppelgangers experience 17 times before, only while wearing the styles of those fashion seasons.

JP has called upon Sean Lowe to stroll casually over and discuss the delicate intricacies of being a Bachelor.  Sean is a veteran, having done it once. “I’m horrible with names,” JP tells him. That’s what he’s worried about? Although, true, yelling out a passionate KayLee when you’re with AshLee could be uncomfortable. Sean asks if he has a kissing strategy. Is that a thing? Sean himself had many difficult nights worrying if he’d jettison someone and then regret it, or if he’d invest his six-figure weekly paycheck in a plummeting stock.

We are treated to JP preparing for the big moment of the women-meeting, which includes soaping up his torso–did the camera crew get in the shower with him?– and finally shaving that scruff, for God’s sake. He contemplatively (again) walks in the twilight, this time in his yard, possibly calculating whether he should go with bonds or real estate with the first payout.

Chris starts babbling yet again about JP’s tremendous popularity after being seen on a previous Bachelorette show. They’re really hammering that point home. Then we meet the first girl, a blond named Chelsea or Chelsie or Cheyl’Si who is probably not a member of Mensa. Next is Renee, who likes to appear in a bikini and has a son. She’s ready to be vulnerable. She better be. Andi is a “gang prosecutor” who thinks people are shocked to see her in the courtroom, probably because she considers herself too beautiful to be perceived as intelligent, but most likely because ombre hair is rarely seen on people interrogating witnesses to gangland executions. The next chick is a massage therapist with a cuteness issue.

Nikki is a pediatric nurse who stares contemplatively into the distance as she considers love. If she also likes running on the beach, she’s a perfect match for JP. Lauren H. had a bad breakup that she regards as having gone through “adversity.” Next is Valerie, a personal trainer, who describes herself as pretty and feeds some horses, perhaps to embroider on her point. Lacy works with special needs kids and owns a care facility? At 25? In Sacramento is Clare, who is part Mexican and looks completely vapid. Everyone of these chicks so far has hair well past her shoulders, stenciled eyebrows, and figures that could be on the cover of Self magazine. The challenge for JP won’t be remembering their names, but distinguishing one from another in broad daylight.

Back at the villa, JP’s limo arrives. He and Chris manhug. It appears JP has regrown his stubble since leaving his house earlier. That’s some kind of man. Chris dramatically tells him that there are two more women to meet than he expected, due to the huge influx of shameless floozies who wanted to be on the show. They start arriving to meet him, an assembly line of plunging necklines, spray tans, rhinestones, and laser whitening.  It’s like visiting the Cheap Whore section of an American Girl doll store.

The nurse brings a stethoscope so he can listen to her fluttering heart and put his hand on her boob. Smooooooth. Chantel, the sole woman of color, gets the briefest moment of camera time. Lucy, the free spirit, is dressed like a cast member of a high school production of Hair. After a couple more totter by on their five-inch heels, Lauren S. shows up struggling to push a piano, which she plays for him, messing up the tune. So much for culture. Chelsie, a science teacher, claims she’ll do an experiment, then squeals about the two of them having chemistry instead. Who writes this stuff?

Elise is wearing about 25 yards of gold sequins. Ashley went rogue and chose a mini dress, weighing the odds that JP is a leg man. Next there is groaning and moaning from another woman inside the limo. Did she get carried away in there thinking about JP’s naked upper body? He looks questioningly at the opened door. She emerges in a swathe of hot pink and…she’s pregnant!

It’s Clare, who was not pregnant before. They hug and I think I can hear the balloon squeaking under her dress. The next girl has a soccer ball, but not under her dress. Lauren H. has a weirdly lopsided face. Maggie forgets to tell him her name. She’s southern and likes goin’ fishin’. She should have gone for a show on Food Network. Next out of the limo is a dog–oh, pick her, pick her! She came with dog lover Kelly, who apparently has nothing else to recommend her. Lacey or Laci or Laycee brings him red hots. Alexis speaks a few words in Spanish but otherwise seems to have nothing to say, distressing for a communications director. Sharleen looks vaguely Asian and is an opera singer. She flew in from Germany for this turgid drama without singing. Andi follows and barely opens her teeth when she talks.

THIS IS EXHAUSTING. At least the Miss USA pageant has the native costumes.

Afterwards, Chris enthuses to JP about the Rockettes line-up of beauties, “In what world does this happen?” Maybe the world of low-rent, exploitative reality shows that treat women like so many Twix bars dropping out of a vending machine? The girls are all crammed onto the sofa, squashing their collagen and sucking down Chardonnay. JP whines about the painful dilemma of having to eventually dispatch 26 of them before he can see them all naked. They drink a toast to the powerful impact of the ABC publicity machine, and proceed to party down.

Soon JP goes off to an intimate corner, surrounded by crew members and cameras, to have a tete-a-tete with Nikki the nurse. He asks her name, a suave first move. They discuss romance philology and Wittgenstein. Next he meets with Renee, whom he likes because she has a kid and is cute, which I understand is what sealed the deal for Sartre when he met Simone de Beauvoir. Lucy is next. She tosses her legs over his lap and explains that she doesn’t do anything. That may appeal to a guy who does little but run around on beaches with his shirt off. The massage therapist brought her table and some oils, which she uses on his suit. She’s nuttier than the free spirit.  JP thought it was awkward. He wants to be the one doing the feeling up.

Chris brings in the single First Impression rose, leering like a Bond supervillain. “You know what to do with it?” he cackles, rubbing his hands in satisfaction when JP nods. He was far better hosting Designer’s Challenge, when they had him in a medically induced coma.

Everyone is breathlessly waiting to see who gets the other roses and why, as if the whys are the result of any more critical analysis than the movement in his crotch. Emotions mount, as much as they can with all the Botox, and the girls speak passionately of their hopes and fears for their Q scores.

Next to meet JP is Elise. She tells him her mom is dead, a great conversation starter. The girls still waiting their turn are losing confidence, worrying that they will be forgotten or not featured in the montage in the preview for next week. Lauren H. is crying already, claiming she wants to keep perspective. She better ask someone what that means. Finally, JP arrives to grant her her allotted four minutes with him. She tells him this experience brings up insecurities for her, and how she was just dumped. She obviously has not read The Rules. JP looks bored. So long, Bridget Jones.

When Andi tells him she’s a lawyer, JP groans and asks if she reads a lot, like he’s asking if she gets rashes a lot. She insists she doesn’t because she’s in court sending people to jail. That’s a relief. With Sharleen, he seems fixated on her dress, despite the fact that her bosom is completely covered. He likes her very much, possibly because when she stands up, you see that her dress plunges in the back to the top of her derriere. She has mundo, says JP with respect–she has a world. Let’s hope she doesn’t ruin it with a lot of reading.

And then JP appears beside Sharleen, who is sitting alone and looking troubled, with the First Impression Rose. She looks surprised and not all that excited. “Thank you, sir,” she says. “I was not expecting this,” as if he were the mailman who has delivered a package from Amazon two days early.

Chris returns to drag JP away from all the pheromones. Someone finally utters the copyrighted reality competition show remark about not wanting to go home this soon. The rest of the women await their flowery fate.

Chris introduces the Rose Ceremony before JP strides in and “hoos!” nervously. He’s thinking about his life, his family, and his daughter, so those roses ain’t going to any old wannabe actress calling herself a real estate agent. As the Piano Music of Emotionally-Charged Suspense plays, Clare is called first for a rose, then Nikki, then Renee. Andi is next, followed by Alli and Chantel, then Lauren S., whom he calls “Lauren S.” as her hugs her. Then comes Kelly and her dog–doesn’t she get a Milk Bone or something?–Cassandra, Danielle, and Chelsea. Then a few shots of sad, anxious girls. Someone steps forward when he calls Kat, but that’s not her! Oh, no, this chick thought he called her name! Despair and shame for whoever that is, she’s a goner so who cares.  After Kat takes her rose,  it’s Victoria, Christy, Lucy, and Elise. How does he remember their names? There must be a teleprompter back there.

Now one rose remains.  Someone murmurs that she wants to throw up, probably from all that wine. Amy L. is last. She gasps in relief.

Tears in their eyes, the rejected and damned say goodbye, their future a dim uncertainty after dedicating whole hours of their lives to this singular dream. They’re going to do a PBS documentary on all the adversity Lauren H. has gone through now.

On to next week, when there will be that many fewer women’s names to get right, and only one Lauren and Amy apiece. See you then!

Extended Preview!

  • Zapple

    woohoo! Haven’t watched one of these shows in ages. Should be a hoot with Shnugs at the helm ;)

  • Zapple

    First question….do you need to be bilingual to enjoy the show?

  • Murghala

    I’m sure something about tongues will be involved.

  • rindarocks

    Woot! Shnugs at the helm! And Zapple joining, this is going to be good…

  • Amy Beth

    In my market, it’s Wheel, then Jeopardy. And they’re not on ABC.

  • Zapple

    Ish. All that duplicitous kissing.

  • Zapple

    Rinda!! :)

  • rindarocks

    These fillers are a snoozefest

  • Zapple

    Pointers from the previous guy? Is that guy happily married now I want to know?

  • rindarocks

    Getting married on LIVE TV in a few weeks…

  • Murghala

    Don’t let the other “girls” see you kissing a “girl”?? Have they never watched The Bachelor? I have never watched The Bachelor but I know he’s making out with everyone. And isn’t kissing least of it?

  • Zapple

    Let me know when they make it to their 3rd anniversary heh

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    OK. Let’s got on with this. I’m not really interested in this bachelor-on-bachelor advise session.

  • Murghala

    Oh God, do we have to watch that too? *rolls eyes*

  • rindarocks

    The live in la la land

  • rindarocks

    Word

  • Zapple

    Not to mention they girl all talk to each other about what went on don’t they?

  • Amy Beth

    C’mon, they’re like ex-presidents. No one else in the whole world understands the experience!

  • Zapple

    “i cannot wait to fall in love”….there’s a huge expectation destined to blow up in his face. No pressure here.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Bizarro World!

  • Amy Beth

    Syndication land!

  • Zapple

    Poor Camilla. She’ll be shipped off to boarding school within the year.

  • Murghala

    Close up of Chelsea blowing a dandelion flower. A little foreshadowing?

  • Zapple

    Bahahah Murghs!

  • Zapple

    hahahah, the massage therapist. Denied.

  • Murghala

    She likes to rub men’s bodies. Oh-kayyyyyy

  • Zapple

    Doggy style.

  • rindarocks

    OK, we have the mom, the broken hearted, the blonds, the cowgirl…still looking for the African American, the drunk, the mean girl, and the crazy

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    She is hoping the competition is ugly? Has she never watched this show?

  • Murghala

    Rinday, you’ve obviiously watched before.

  • Murghala

    Why can’t we just call him Juan? Why always Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo??

  • Zapple

    She considers herself A1 Prime pretty. Everyone else is fug compared to her beauty.

  • lola

    I wondered this too. On the show last night I think it was his father that called him just “Juan”.

  • Zapple

    “I’m Pretty” is the crazy.

  • Amy Beth

    Maybe all the boys in the village were named Juan and you could only tell them apart by their middle names?

  • Murghala

    And his uncle called him Juan Carlos! Ha!

  • Zapple

    Is his last name Pablo? Or is it like, Billy Bob. Or Peggy Sue.

  • rindarocks

    on last night’s show, seems his brother was Juan something or other

  • Murghala

    Last name is something else. Gavalakis or something.

  • rindarocks

    That was the brother, I think…

  • Zapple

    Well that certainly doesn’t roll off the tongue.

  • Zapple

    This one is an Orlando News reporter? I should recognize her….

  • rindarocks

    I wonder if they get a shopping budget, the show last night had them on a plane as soon as they were selected

  • Murghala

    Oooh kissing up to the daughter…good move.

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    Or astronauts!

  • Zapple

    I missed it last night. Was it helpful?

  • Amy Beth

    But did she spell it right?

  • Murghala

    Yes! One L.

  • Zapple

    Good question.

  • Zapple

    She smells like desperation…..

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    Earth mother.

  • Murghala

    Lucy is jumping the gun with the wedding dress.

  • rindarocks

    Occupation: Free Spirit, WTF

  • Zapple

    Lucy es loco.

  • lola

    I think it was her every day free spirit dress !

  • Zapple

    Not a very sexy entrance. Memorable but not hot.

  • lola

    piano player out!

  • Amy Beth

    Pot head trust fund baby

  • rindarocks

    Pretty gown cannot even save her

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    Oh, to be in my twenties again and toting a piano on wheels with me on first dates!

  • rindarocks

    He had to pee?

  • Zapple

    hehehehe! Those were the days.

  • lola

    Many of these girls are much too educated for him.

  • rindarocks

    Why don’t we just have chemistry, lolz

  • Zapple

    He looks a little terrified.

  • Murghala

    hahah, i thought the same thing.

  • lola

    lotsa teachers. I personally liked the peds nurse so far.

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    She’s my pick. Loves kids. Seems nice.

  • Zapple

    Hoo boy. one gimmick to far with the pregnancy act! hah!

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    I’m picturing the parent-teacher conferences with these teachers. Amazingly, all the DADS show up.

  • rindarocks

    I want to see her remove it

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Hah !

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    I pick her!!!!! I want her on the show at least until she goes into labor.

  • Murghala

    Shameless floozies!!! Hahaha, Shnugs.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Not in the least,unless you count ABC’s bottom line.

  • Murghala

    And I was just about to type, “No fat chicks.”

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    Fake. I HATE HER!!!!!

  • Zapple

    oo, smart, soccer ball chick. Unless she’s better than him.

  • rindarocks

    The show always sprays the driveway with water, stoopid

  • lola

    Nanny is cute. I think he likes the dark hair girls.

  • lola

    Carly Rae Jepsen? LOL

  • Murghala

    Mineral coordinator?

  • Zapple

    HAH. Isn’t that…God?

  • Murghala

    Molly, the dog. Bitch, please!

  • Zapple

    hahah! He’ll probably call the girl Molly and the dog Kelly.

  • Murghala

    I’m thinking she’s coordinating a huge rock on her ring finger.

  • Amy Beth

    All the girls with goofy “job” titles, they’re basically unemployed, right?

    ETA: Or actresses?

  • lola

    The producer (or someone) off to the side taking down names. Kinda like a baby or wedding shower to identify the “gifts”.

  • Zapple

    Lots of Florida girls. What are we all desperate down here?

  • rindarocks

    That would be my guess

  • Murghala

    He likes the gray shlumpy dress A LOT?

  • lola

    I kinda like this guy so far. He’s funny.

  • Zapple

    You can tell she never dresses up. She was shifting from foot to foot like she was on hot pavement.

  • lola

    hahaha that’s what I was going to say! It was so ugly he had to say it was beautiful to make her feel good. Reverse psychology.

  • Murghala

    Can I assume we’ll never see half of these women again?

  • Zapple

    I don’t know anything about him, but so far I like him too. Not too slick and fakey. He manages to seem genuine….so far….

  • rindarocks

    The cut is pretty severe on the first night, but not before they get a chance to get drunk and be very foolish

  • lola

    Why can’t these gorgeous women get a date in the real world?

  • lola

    Whew…he called it “an adventure”…not a journey. Thank goodness.

  • rindarocks

    That right there is Bachelor gold

  • Murghala

    So much squealing.

  • Zapple

    They don’t want to get married, They want to parlay this into their very own reality show gig. :)

  • rindarocks

    Photo booth, nice different

  • Zapple

    Pretty scary stuff!

  • Murghala

    I just blinked. How did Nikki the Nurse get to drag JP off by herself?

  • lola

    He dragged her off.

  • Zapple

    Yeah, nothing like talking about the exes on your first date.

  • Murghala

    So he’s picking the one he wants to get to know better? OH MY GOD, he picked Free Spirit Bride.

  • lola

    ewwwww …feet. oh here’s Carly Jepsen

  • rindarocks

    It goes both ways

  • Zapple

    OMG Massage girl! If he picks her….he’s a freak behind closed doors, hehe

  • Murghala

    She’s ripping his clothes off without any further delay.

  • Zapple

    Too far, too far…..pull it back sister…..

  • Zapple

    Wait…why is there only one rose?

  • rindarocks

    One First Impression Rose that gets given at any time

  • Zapple

    Is that like Miss Congeniality?

  • rindarocks

    Well, he picks, so not really

  • lola

    Why do these women all think they will be there at the end? At this stage he is going by looks only IMO.

  • Murghala

    But they all look alike.

  • rindarocks

    Bachelor, a lesson in self awareness, lol

  • lola

    Lady..STFU!!!!

  • rindarocks

    The screeners – FAIL

  • Amy Beth

    “Gee how did he remember your name?”

    It couldn’t be because she’s the only black woman in the room, could it?

  • Murghala

    Aren’t half of them named Nicky and the other half Chelsea?

  • Zapple

    Life’s Not Fair girl.

  • lola

    He doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about

  • Murghala

    She messed it up.

  • Zapple

    He doesn’t even know what to say to her. She’s dead meat.

  • lola

    LMAO!!!

  • Zapple

    Buh-bye.

  • Murghala

    Oh God please don’t let him pick Assistant DA. But they keep playing romantic music when she’s on camera.

  • Murghala

    Again he loves that dress???

  • lola

    I like this DA too. Again….probably too smart for him.

  • Zapple

    I think he likes her.Even when they first met.

  • Murghala

    Me too. Dammit. She’s a bit harsh.

  • lola

    It’s so conservative. Maybe that’s what he’s looking for. He’s right…she does separate from the rest of them

  • Zapple

    He says she’s a keeper! Didn’t see that coming.

  • Murghala

    Gray “Dress is getting the rose! I guess he doesn’t like too much flesh exposed.

  • lola

    LOL…no connection on her part!!!

  • Amy Beth

    Ooh. A twist. He likes her and she thinks he’s blah!

  • Murghala

    A very long uncomfortable pause on her part. Why is she on the show? And she keeps calling him “Sir.”

  • Zapple

    hahahah! She;s like WTF??? I just wanted a free plane trip.

  • lola

    Hahaha. love this girl now. Maybe she’ll refuse a rose at some point. Can’t wait!

  • Zapple

    He might actually be out to find a nice sweet mother for his child and future children. Not an aggressive she-wolf, slathering oil on his feet before she even has a conversation with him

  • Zapple

    She’s going to make him work for it. Smart cookie.

  • lola

    And grey dress is from Germany. ha…will never work.

  • lola

    Maybe he looked better on tv than in person.

  • Murghala

    HAHAAAAAAAA

  • lola

    Aw I have a feeling Molly the dog is going home.

  • Amy Beth

    Pick Lauren H so we can find out what a Mineral coordinator is.

  • Zapple

    Germans are not known for being particularly warm and demonstrative. And him being a hot blooded Latin. Nope.

  • Zapple

    Is Andi the attorney?

  • Murghala

    Yes. She will not tolerate any BS from the spoiled brat daughter.

  • Zapple

    Yay for Molly!

  • lola

    Yeah! Kelly & Molly

  • Murghala

    I don’t thinks she is German. She lives there for her work as an opera singer.

  • lola

    right!!! and what does Kelly do? Oh yeah, she’s a dog lover.

  • Zapple

    Awwwwwwwkward!

  • Zapple

    He’s probably allergic to dogs. :)

  • Murghala

    Looooooocy, you got some ‘splainin to do

  • lola

    Maybe free spirit will be a fit for him. She does nothing and he does nothing.

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    I want Luuuuucy to win!!!!

  • lola

    Which one is she again?

  • Amy Beth

    Since he started with 27, does he get more at his first cut?

  • lola

    I’ve been watching this since day one and I still can’t figure it out.

  • Zapple

    Isn’t Loco Lucy Free Spirit girl?

  • lola

    Can’t remember. I just think of her as free spirit.

  • Zapple

    He DID mention that he really likes singers. He wants musical children.

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    She’s the one who did the little twirly spin after she accepted her rose. She is crazy enough to make the show the only reason to watch.

  • lola

    Then I guess that is Loosie…I mean Lucy!

  • Zapple

    Well that was fun! Shnugs you have your work cut out for you. That’s a lot of personalities to cover! Pretty soon we’ll actually remember peoples names.

  • rindarocks

    Wasn’t Sean on DWTS, he does not know Salsa?

  • lola

    Should be a good season. Lots of crying and wack jobs.

  • http://kristentheyellowlab.blogspot.com/ ZsusK

    Based on the promos, it looks like Juan Pablo does more crying than all the ladies combined.

  • chillj

    Nice – and very funny – recap, Schnugs. As much as Juan Pablo is the hottest thing to turn up on television in years, I’m not sure I can bear to tune in to this flesh parade again (although I hafta admit, the recaps are often worth every minute of suffering). Where are they going this season? I often tune in for the scenery, which is all to briefly photographed.

  • Cary Gonzalez

    Awesome recap, especially loved this line which I’m totally going to borrow/steal from you: “It’s like visiting the Cheap Whore section of an American Girl doll store.” I loved watching the bitch faces as the roses dwindled down because you just knew these losers were going home pronto. Should be a fun season, the potential for multiple meltdowns is awesome. I want the hippie-chick-with-no-shoes to win!