Jane Lynch introduces tonight’s Glee, “Previously Unaired Christmas” as an episode shot last October, set to take place in December 2012, but deemed way too hot for broadcast. A recut version (sans Blaine’s obsession with the Yule Log. Ahem) has been released for your viewing pleasure!
Yeah. So forget everything that happened in last year’s Christmas special “Glee Actually” This is Glee alternate universe! Blaine and Burt stayed in Lima. Santana visited New York City. Rachel didn’t cruise with her dads!
It’s Ryan Murphy’s version of “Bad Santa” as you can see from this sneak preview of “The Chipmunk Song”. Santana, Rachel and Kurt get very naughty with a half naked Santa, while drunk and huffing helium.
As Glee world is still stuck in Spring 2013 (It’s like some effed up purgatory) the conceit allows for producers to present a Christmas episode. You’ve got to check the comments from people on the Jane Lynch video who are taking her seriously.
WTF? Who is Ross Maxwell and why was he smoking crack when he wrote “Previously Unaired Christmas?” Not only did the episode completely screw with cannon, but it was totally insane, over the top and profane. I’m not even kidding about that. I literally had my hand over my mouth during a few scenes. Not that I was offended, mind you. I just couldn’t believe Glee would go there. Rough Trade Santa indeed. But I’m ahead of myself.
Also, there was more meta in this episode than I can document here. But I’ll try to mention the highlights as I recap the episode, performance by performance.
After her breakup with Brittany, Santana decides to spend Christmas 2012 with Rachel and Kurt in New York City. She buys extravagant presents for her friends–including a pile of Jet Blue trip vouchers for Rachel (You know, for those unrealistically constant trips the kids take back and forth to Lima). When Rachel suggests Santana move to the city, the general consensus is THAT WOULD REALLY BE WEIRD (because, you know, she eventually does). Plus, Santana finally mentions that money her mom gave her at graduation to follow her dream. It funded half the presents.
Rachel finds a job for them all at a Manhattan shopping mall as Santa’s helpers. Santa turns out to be a total drunk and wanders off, leaving the kids disappointed. The trio break out into “Here Comes Santa Claus,” to keep the crowd from rioting. Santana, referring to herself as “Slutty Elf,” is talked into playing Mrs. Claus after drunk Santa passes out. She makes wholly inappropriate remarks to the kids. For instance, she turns a kid who looks Jewish away, and dogs a boy about his weight. Just as the crowd becomes completely unruly, HOT shirtless Santa shows up to save the day. Kurt rakes the dude over with his eyes. As a newly single boy, he plans to get some of that (as if, canon Kurt).
Back in Lima, there’s a Christmas Tree decorating contest going on at McKinley. The theme is “Going Green,” so the kids come up with a plan to decorate that includes singing a jaunty version of “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree.” Tina really really really wants to win the contest (judged by Sue Sylvester) because she inexplicably covets the tacky plastic angel trophy awarded to the winners. In keeping with the over the top vibe of this episode, Tina is even more annoying than usual. When Blaine spontaneously breaks into “Joy to the World” the entire room tells him to shut up in unison. With Sam and Tina leading the charge, the club puts together a kick ass tree that’s perfectly executed from a green standpoint. Sam even whips out the adorable critter they saved when they cut down the tree. Sue begrudgingly hands them the prize. When her table full of random green things goes prize less (She didn’t quite understand the concept) Becky goes on one of her rampages. In the end, the kids decide, in the Christmas spirit, to give her the prize anyway. Because of course, there have to be a few sentimental moments in this snarkfest.
There are auditions for a Living Nativity scene set to happen on school grounds. Will offers to help Coach Beist, who is somehow in charge. Tina, Marley and Unique all want to be the Virgin Mary, so they decide to audition together. The performance is like some cheesy Solid Gold dance routine, with the girls dressed in white strutting their sexy stuff. Nobody mentions how weird and inappropriate the performance is. But then, this is Glee, and at this point, we haven’t seen nothin’ yet. Kitty pretends that she doesn’t want the part, but she really really does. When the cast list reveals that Marley snagged the lead, Kitty is just full of snark. Marley coaxes her into admitting that she wanted the Virgin Mary role for herself. But as a Christian, she realizes that her slutty, snotty ways makes her unworthy to play the saintly Mary. Wheels begin to turn in Marley’s head.
Uhm. This is where shit gets REALLY CRAZY. And the part that has some of the Glee fandom up in arms. Kurt, Santana and Rachel invite Shirtless, Slutty Santa back to their apartment where they proceed to get really drunk. He entices them to drink and suck helium before performing a raunchy version of the kids’ song “Christmas Don’t Be Late.” Kurt definitely has the hots for Cody, at one point, grinding up on that. Later, Santana and Rachel catch Kurt and Cody making out in the kitchen. Kurt, hoisted up on a table, has Cody wrapped up in his legs while they make out. Cody tells the girls not to worry, “I swing both ways ladies!”. Santana is scandalized, but Kurt reminds her that she’s always telling him to live a little, and in the aftermath of his break up with Blaine, and now he is. With a really hot piece of ass. SHOCKING. But really funny. And sort of hot, if I’m being honest. Cody is played by Pretty Little Liar actor, Bryce Johnson.
The next morning, Rachel and Santana stagger into the living to discover the place has been ransacked and all their good stuff gone (Cody, like the rest of us, remarked on how well appointed the place was for college students). But get this–they discover Kurt on his bed HOGTIED WITH SUSPENDERS. Let me repeat. In his underwear and tank top HOGTIED WITH SUSPENDERS, his mouth stuffed with garland. (Again. Sort of hot.) “ROUGH TRADE SANTA!” yelps Kurt, as the girls work to unite him. Kurt explains they were ROLEPLAYING. Yes people, things get all kinky right up in here. For reals. And that when he refused to play Rudolph, Cody tied him up, revealing he only wanted to rob them blind anyway. And that kissing Kurt was kind of hot because it was like he had no teeth (!?!)
Unique as the Virgin Mary, performing “Love Child” while popping a black baby out of her crotch? That’s inappropriate! But it’s all for the right reason. Just as Becky wanted to win the Christmas tree decorating contest, Kitty really really wants to play the Virgin Mary, but feels she doesn’t deserve it, or something. Marley announces that she’s given the Virgin Mary role to the only one worthy of playing her. “The black one!” cries Unique. As the bizarre and entirely offensive performance of “Love Child” unfolds, with Will and Beiste looking on approvingly, it becomes clear that it’s all a ruse to get Kitty to demand the part. The girls tossing the baby doll around like a hot potato, while Kitty looks on with a face that’s truly gif-worthy is one of the episode’s funnier moments. After calling the performance sacrilegious and profane, Kitty demands that Will not let an abomination happen to “the most beautiful story ever told.” At which point, she volunteers to play the Virgin Mary. Unique is all “Happy Holidays! You get the part!” It’s reminiscent of when Finn and Rachel purposely tried to throw a duets competition in Quinn and Sam’s favor by singing a love song dressed as a nun and priest. Good times.
The New York and Lima storylines conclude with “Away in a Manger.” In the aftermath of the robbery, Kurt makes Santana promise not to tell Blaine about his little go round with Shirtless Santa Thief. He says he’s ashamed. Which is my only problem with the whole deal. Heck. Sometimes when you throw caution to the wind, crazy things happen. No reason to feel shame or guilt there, Kurt. Santana is all “This is why I could never live here! Bushwick isn’t safe!” Rachel arrives at the loft to report that they lost their jobs at the mall after Cody ransacked SantaLand and even ripped off the Salvation Army bucket. But she’s found them a new gig, as live models in a department store window, where they sing the closing number. Back in Lima, Kitty leads New Directions in a scene that’s finally saintly. Becky is a rather scary looking baby Jesus (her giant head sticking out of mini-manger baby doll body) and Unique a sweet angel as they sing.
Some fans who are really upset with the episode, feel Kurt was treated horribly, literally assaulted by sexy Santa. Others are mad that Kurt was making out hot and heavy with someone who wasn’t Blaine. Fans who complain that there isn’t enough Klaine PDA are going to be unhappy when Kurt gets it on with some random guest star. Personally, I think the producers were tweaking the fan base, which has a reputation for being zealous and overbearing.
My take is that as a “rejected” episode, it exists in an alternate universe, bearing no relation to the canon storyline. I wasn’t offended that stuff like Kurt being forcibly tied up and robbed by his trick, or the Virgin Mary as a pregnant baby mama were played for laughs. The scenario was too wacky and out there to take seriously. Nothing that happened is going to affect a future storyline, so I’m not going to sweat it. Yes, it’s my least favorite of the Christmas episodes, and overall it was incoherent. But whatever. At least we got more hot shirtless action this week, and some funny and sexy Kurt. Actually, ditto that for Santana. And Alex Newell as Unique IS A DAMN TREASURE. I swear, now that Glee has an end date and only one more season, the producers’ attitudes are even more “f*ck it” than usual. When Glee returns from its winter hiatus in February, can we expect even more cray?
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