It’s the minimally anticipated first of a two-night Bachelor special television event, which means they just run two regular episodes one after the other so they can hype them in a different way. Marketing is an art akin to that produced by a Dali or a Chopin, only without the accompanying scholarly texts.
On this, the evening after Valentine’s Day, reports are that Chris likes the idea of having his wedding to whichever the hell skank he chose at the Soules family farm in his hometown of Upper Hayseed, Iowa. They’d renovate one of the barns, which could then be featured in Better Farms and Outbuildings, and the guests would “get crazy and celebrate love,” since the only other thing to do there is butcher hogs and plow the north forty.
I am therefore predicting that his fiancee is not Britt, because there is no way she agreed to walk down an aisle that recently had manure on it.
Anyway, after Monday night’s show, we’ll have the final three arrayed before us, and be that much closer to knowing who will be doing the do-si-do for the most romantic dance of her life. I’m as excited to learn the results as I was on election night of the Reagan-Mondale race. It’s also likely I will be just as bored with the outcome.
Let us begin. Tonight everyone goes to Iowa, while tomorrow they go on hometown visits. But first it’s an hour of telling all, or all that is lurid and dishy. We’ll find out that Kelsey doesn’t agree that she’s a demented lunatic, and that Andi is heartbroken at losing Josh and another cover of OK!. It’s 60 minutes more jampacked with otherwise-forgotten crap than my grandma’s basement.
Chris the Host opens the show to tell us that Chris the Bachelor will answer all our questions, although not the ones we really want to know, like are at least some of his teeth original and how many chapters does the Klan have in Arlington.
But first, the Kelsey interview. For the occasion, she has donned an innocence-broadcasting white dress and immediately mispronounces “controversial,” suggesting she missed a page on her word-of-the-day calendar. She uses several terms from her Roget’s to explain why she was not condescending to the other women, then defends the extra time with Chris she sneaked. It was necessary for him to learn more about her, she insists, especially the inside of her mouth.
Her panic attack was not faked, either, she asserts. In that moment, she was flooded with emotion, and “lost control of [her] motor movements.” Thanks heaven that was the only kind of movement she couldn’t control. But she is forced to admit that her behavior was bizarre, since it’s difficult to classify maniacal giggling through an oxygen mask as a conventional reaction.
Now to the dramatic events in Deadwood and the Badlands. Kelsey suggests that Ashley’s problems arose from her belief that she wasn’t as smart as Kelsey, whom, you will recall, was never condescending. So it’s a shame Farmer Chris rejected Kelsey, since he is a Harvard Ph.D. who was expecting to meet a Rhodes Scholar on the show.
Chris H. asks if Kelsey is anxious about the next tell-all show, when all the cast will be present, claws out. Indeed, she is worried that it will become a “crucifixion.” But as she pointed out earlier, she’s not narcissistic. She and the Son of God also have a lot of other traits in common. For example, both their stories are tragic but amazing.
Now the two Chrises sit down together. Watching the entire show, Chris the B. had a hard time seeing emotions grow intense over time, even though he knew that was how it was scripted. They review the Badlands segment, during which Chris was surprised to discover that Kelsey is a big phony. But he felt she handled it admirably after learning from him that it was Ashley I. who told him so.
“I probably don’t know women that well,” he reveals in an understatement of proportions similar to someone in ancient Pompeii suggesting others should be concerned about that smokey smell.
Then they consider Ashley S., the (other) psycho case. Chris noticed as early as the zombie-shooting date that something was amiss with her. He is as sharp as a pitchfork. Chris H. insists her interview tape was normal, and that no one could have predicted her mistaking a pomegranate for an onion.
Chris H. notes that Chris S. gave a lot of the women second chances. Like that drunken blonde, for example, and that other drunken blond. But then there was Jillian of the extremely short shorts. “I’m a man, after all,” Chris laughs knowingly, indicating that her ass hanging out 24-7 was in no way the basis for his sending her packing. In fact, she made some unacceptable comments which could not be disguised with a black bar. Finally, Juelia was a big downer with all her crying over the husband who killed himself, so she had to be tossed, too.
Among the firsts this season was the visit by Jimmy Kimmel. It was their most lucrative cross-promotion since the first Bachelor wedding special. Then there was the love guru segment. Chris was not thrilled with that business; it was too sexual. Some farmer he is, afraid of nature.
Onto to Britt. It was lust at first sight with her. Chris H. mentions the episode with him pawing her in front of the other women. Kissing is part of the process of picking a wife, Chris points out, so he practices it at every opportunity. But he also upset the others when he and Britt sneaked off to a Big & Rich concert and left them all behind. Chris accepts responsibility for everyone’s hurt feelings, which was as effective as when Janet Reno did that for Waco.
And now the sad news from what Chris H. insists on calling Bachelor Nation: Andi is grieving that she broke up with Josh and ABC will not being signing sponsors for her televised wedding special. She sobs delicately as Chris H. probes into her most private emotions. She confesses how tough things have been since she and Josh called it quits. No one from In Touch calls anymore. But they had struggled for a while, basically ever since they were off camera.
Chris gazes penetratingly at her, reminding her that he could tell she had found her soulmate on the day the two got engaged. Just a week before, it had been anybody’s guess which of those spray-tanned mooks she would opt for. “How did you guys lose that?” he asks, vying with Dick Cheney for most unrelenting proponent of cruel and inhuman methods. She and Josh didn’t support and empower each other, Andi admits. Possibly because she spent more time maintaining her hair extensions.
“Are you still in love with Josh?” Chris questions further, like it’s the Nuremberg trials. Andi sobs, carefully preserving her half-inch eyelashes. Britt attended her webinar on realistic crying. She has never experienced a love like that, Andi claims, adding that Josh was her first heartbreak, and the only one seen on national TV. She sniffles explosively, but inexplicably does not use tissues. Maybe ABC couldn’t sign Kleenex.
“What now?” Chris asks, concerned that there are no shows left for her to appear on. He tries to comfort her by insisting that the break-up is not a failure on her part. The producers just picked the wrong guys for her season. Nevertheless, she is grateful to have had her life changed forever, and her bank account, too. “All of us are very sorry,” Chris offers, especially the crew members who work on the wedding specials.
Now begins the actual episode. Chris prepares for the cocktail party pre-Rose Ceremony. There are seven women left. Seven brides for one brother.
He goes off first with Megan, who worries that they have had no progression in their “relationship.” That will happen when you’ve had only one date with a person, and even that’s got someone yelling “cut!” every five minutes. He tells her he hasn’t got the same feelings for her as for the others, meaning he isn’t as compelled to massage her tonsils with his tongue as the others, so off she goes. “Break-ups are not easy,” he tells us as she leaves. Especially when you have trouble recalling the names of all the people you’re dating at the same time. As her car drives away, Chris collapses to the curb, head in hands. He regrets that he never got to see her naked.
The other women are relieved, although they pretend to be sad. They hope her departure means no Rose Ceremony, but no, one more woman must be jettisoned. This show is knocks out women more ruthlessly than Ray Rice. But then the Chrises consult privately, exchanging deep sighs about the terrible situation wherein only five nubile young women will be left clamoring for a single man’s romantic attentions. Carly worries that she is doomed. “He’s an easy person to love,” she mourns. The good news is that Josh is single now.
Moments pass as the women suffer an agony of waiting. Chris S. finally returns. He tells them he knows how hard this week has been, but he feels extremely good about all of them, so no Rose Ceremony after all! What’s more, they’re all going to Iowa! Never before has there been such a joyful reaction to this announcement outside of a meeting of the National Potato Vendors Association.
Des Moines looks nice, like a perfectly normal city. Indeed, Carly did not expect Iowa to be so beautiful, while Whitney, ever the optimist, valiantly announces that she feels privileged to be there. How did Iowa get such a bad rap? Perhaps all that depressing Bachelor footage of Chris’s hometown had something to do with it.
There’s a date card in their hotel suite. It’s for Jade, which makes it her second one-on-one. Everyone feels this is significant, what with it happening here on Chris’s home turf. She puts on coral lip gloss and jeans tighter than O.J.’s glove, and sets off to meet Chris in his home town, a.k.a. the seat of Middle of Nowhere County, population: 400 rubes.
“So much corn,” Jade observes as the limo approaches. But she is curious to see what her life would be like as Chris’s wife and Nora in A Doll’s House. Right off the bat, we can presume there would probably be a lot of tongue-kissing.
He takes her into his kitchen to make out. Then he gives her a house tour. The bedroom needs a woman’s touch, Chris says, or more of a man’s touching of a woman. Outside, the fields extend forever, flat and bleak and colorless as married life with Chris. Jade is introduced to cows named Jessica and Bennett. He’s probably the type to name his penis, too.
Back at the suite, the other women conjecture about what Jade is experiencing. Man, these chicks are a one-note bunch. Now Whitney gets the next date, which is in Des Moines. She’s disappointed that it’s not in Arlington like Jade’s. She was hoping to meet some farm animals and wander through harvested wheat fields, too.
Next, Jade and Chris ride his motorcycle to the center of town, which looks like an Edward Hopper painting, only less inspiring. There’s no coffee shop, restaurant, movie theater, or even a bar. Not even a hospital, for when you get sick from boredom. Jade is feeling apprehensive. Where will she purchase her infinity scarves and blue nail polish?
In the evening, they attend a football game at the high school. There are enough teenage boys in town to make a team? While this date pales in comparison to a Cinderella ball with a private symphony playing while you dance, Jade does get to meet Chris’s Heartland-sturdy farm parents. Maybe after she and Chris are married, she can borrow their truck to have an affair with a college professor in the city.
The band reminds us that we’re in the stronghold of American values by playing The Star Spangled Banner as the couple wanders the school hallways, reminiscing about their days as teens. Jade tells Chris she had a wild side, while he was a goody-two-shoes. That penchant for making out with everyone must have developed later. As they sit in a classroom, she’s prepared to reveal her dark past to him–but after he praises her for having “a good head on her shoulders,” she’s not quite ready to lay it out there. So they make out in front of the lockers.
The hometown team loses, but Chris feels like a winner. Meanwhile, Jade is falling in love with him. She assures him he shouldn’t feel ashamed of dreary old Arlington with its empty storefronts, lifeless streets, and resemblance to the setting of a series of unsolved axe murders. She would be content to mate in captivity.
Next Whitney meets Chris in Des Moines. They go to an art gallery to see some photography. Maybe naked pictures of Jade. Chris tells her they’ll go take some of their own photos. “We’re documenting our love,” Whitney squeals, meaning they make out in between selfies.
Back at the hotel, Jade explains to the other women that DM is about three hours away from Arlington, nestled in the remote cornfields where UFOs prefer to land. As she describes their date, Britt starts crying with envy. The women all want to go see the now-legendary town, and decide to take a road trip there.
Meanwhile, Whitney and Chris mosey around the city. She feels comfortable around him; he makes her laugh, and she feels a sense of peace in Iowa. It’s certainly hard to get excited there. She hopes one day to share the photos they took with their kids. Otherwise, she can print them out and burn them ritually.
Arriving in town, the other women immediately become disappointed and horrified, kind of like how I feel when the show starts every Monday. They emerge from the limo and wander the vacant streets of downtown. Nothing is open. They try Chris’s church. Carly sees through the doors that they have the same Jesus picture as her grandparents had. It’s a sign! But probably only that there are limited Jesus pictures that appeal to midwestern Methodists.
Chris and Whitney are dining now. She feels that she has the feeling you’re supposed to have when you’re falling in love. Three of Chris’s best friends come over. Whitney shrieks and rushes to hug them. She knows that’s who he’ll be going off with for long weekends to hunt and fish, leaving her behind with the screaming kids and the dirty dishes.
The other women discuss the horror of Arlington with concern. Britt, who was mortified at the limitations of the town, suddenly claims to feel alright about it. The rest sneer at her fakery. Then the date card arrives. Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are going.
Chris feels Whitney made a good impression on his pals, so he makes out with her. But she has much to talk about with him, and needs her tongue for that. She doesn’t have a relationship with her dad, and her beloved mom died tragically 10 years ago. Chris is impressed with her strength. She wants a guy with great parents since she doesn’t have any, and longs to call someone Mom and Dad again. Maybe she should have gone a show where she could get adopted.
They exit the restaurant to find graffiti art painted on a wall showing the two of them, or any two people, actually, since it’s a line drawing. She leaps into his arms. It’s the most amazing moment of her entire life. She missed the final episode of Buffy.
Whitney reports to the other women about the best date of her life. They are impressed. Concerned about the competition, Jade decides to confess to Carly about her secret, which is not a nice, hug-earning one like dead parents. A couple of years ago, she did some nude modeling for Playboy. Does anyone do clothed modeling for Playboy? Carly thinks Chris won’t like that, although he’s perfectly okay with shtupping everything in a skirt himself. Jade wants him to find out about it from her first, especially because her dad found out from his co-workers. She seems unmoved that the crew are finding out before Chris right now. Jade sometimes regrets that she made the choice to do the photos. The producers, however, are thrilled.
The three women go off on the group date, a seminal event which will result in a rose that ensures that woman a hometown visit. They meet Chris at an ice rink and put on skates to horse around with hockey sticks. Suddenly, he and Britt are walking outside alone. They kiss, and tell each other they missed each other, or their libidos did. She reveals that the women took the road trip to Arlington, then gives the shpiel about feeling really alive as they drove away, when she saw the sun set over the houses and reviewed a copy of his investment portfolio.
Carly and Kaitlyn are worried about Britt’s deceit. Carly suggests Britt would arrive in Arlington as Chris’s bride, then leave in a week. Meanwhile, Chris is buying it and shoves his tongue down her throat in happiness. Carly must expose Britt for who she is. Finally alone with him, she tells Chris she’s protective of him, so she must reveal that Britt said she could not live in Arlington. She begins to cry as she tells Chris that she knows how much he likes Britt, so he should understand that she’s a lying piece of shit (paraphrased). Chris thanks her, as he does not want a wife who hates Arlington, although it would probably be difficult to find anyone unmedicated who would be glad to be there. He’s going to ask Britt about it again. Surely she will be honest when challenged.
The group gathers that evening with the rose lying nearby, taunting them. Chris takes Britt aside to question her, but first they talk about her prospective hometown visit. It’s a huge event to have him meet her family, when he will likely discern from their appearances that her face is the handiwork of medical professionals. Finally, Chris brings up Arlington. She likes to reinvent herself, she claims, and this seems wholesome and positive for a change–a good thing to try. The town is part of Chris’s package, and she really likes his package. He appears satisfied with this answer, and sucks on her tonsils to show that. Carly and Kaitlyn fervently hope otherwise, though. Those poor deluded girls.
Kaitlyn goes off with him next. He asks what she’s thinking. She’s panicking and frustrated, unsure where she stands. “How do you feel about me?” he asks. I have no idea what either of them are talking about. He doesn’t like to see Kaitlyn insecure about her position, but it’s kind of inevitable with you manhandling half a dozen other women in front of her, Chris. He goes and gets the rose to give to her. He wants to meet her family, he tells her happily. She joyfully embraces him. What a weird story to show your children on DVD.
As gloomy music plays, Carly and Britt wait anxiously. Kaitlyn returns with her rose and Chris beside her, and we fade to sudden black. When we return, Chris gives his usual line about how hard it all is and how they are all amazing and that they should thank God they get hefty paychecks for this abominable exercise in humiliation–oh, wait, that last comment was mine. But Britt ain’t buying. She’s confused and hurt because she feels she should have the rose after “begging for validation.” She doesn’t want her husband to see her as second or third in line for his love. Then maybe she should have tried match.com to find him.
Chris essentially says he doesn’t know what the hell she wants from him–for the first time appearing irritated by this idiot’s manipulations. Without accommodating her witlessness, he leaves, telling them all he will see them tomorrow. Britt tries to tell Kaitlyn that she wasn’t trying to say she didn’t deserve the rose, but that’s exactly what she was saying and Kaitlyn knows it. Carly points out that she is the one who has to worry about being sent home, since it’s obvious Chris favors Britt and has from the start. But she is pleased that Chris finally saw True Britt.
The women gather at the suite to gloat at Britt’s dressing-down. Will she leave on her own? There’s no recovery for her, they exclaim happily. Britt sobs her regret that she “processed all that” in front of everyone. Unfortunately, with Kelsey gone, the director insisted.
