Ooooooooh, Fantasy Suite Night! I hope they get room service. Alas, things do not bode well for tonight’s sexy-time romps with Juan Pablo–and not just because in the previews, everyone is variously crying, enraged, or devastated. According to Chris, JP will very likely not come away from his Bachelor adventure having fallen deeply in love with a potential new wife and stepmother for Camila, after having bonded with his soulmate over the course of the many minutes they spent together being filmed bungee-jumping and making out on the beach.

That’s because the poor sap simply isn’t able to present his true self to the girls. In fact, he’s as closed off as the George Washington Bridge when Chris Christie’s in a bad mood. Reveals Chris, “I think Juan Pablo has had a really tough time with that, and I don’t know exactly what that is, if it’s a cultural difference, if there is a language barrier.” Well, that explains why, when it’s time to have a substantive conversation, he just rams his tongue down the girl’s throat. It must be an old Venezuelan custom.

Hopefully, in the fantasy suite, someone’s going to open up something.

The show opens showing us that there are lots of colorful creatures in St. Lucia, and also frogs, bugs, and lizards. JP looks forward to talking to the girls without cameras present, and putting his hands in places he couldn’t before.

He meets up with Clare first, with cameras present. He hoists her into a boat as she talks giddily about how great it will be to possibly get engaged to the man of her dreams here. She wonders, though, how she will feel if JP asks her to spend the night with him. They’re not even engaged and already she’s got a headache. It’s Camila again, though, making her concerned. The child will never have any siblings at this rate.

As they cruise along in a yacht, she wants to know what he thought of her family. They are both disgusted with Laura, the sister who was suspicious of the whole business. Now Clare thinks tonight would be the perfect time to tell JP she’s falling in love with him–but that fantasy suite looms. Love mixed with sex? It just doesn’t work for Clare.

As they go off to dinner, JP says he had a great day with Clare, and that tonight will be a great time to find out how he feels about her, because spending time with her dressed just doesn’t permit that. Bringing up Camila, Clare tries to understand the concept of a child having a stepmother, as if such a phenomenon had never occurred before in human history. “She already has, like, a mother, you know?” she explains to JP.

The key to the Fantasy Suite arrives and they discuss whether to use it. Never before have two people whose tongues have been entangled so often in such a short time been so coy. Another exchange ensues about feelings and being on the same page and what matters to each other. I’ve read Apartment 3G comics with more substance.

They rise and enter the suite, as we knew they would, those sluts. “Tomorrow when we wake up, we will know each other a lot more,” JP tells her as they click champagne glasses. He would have added “in the Biblical sense,” but that’s another phrase he’s unfamiliar with. He’s also probably never read the book. Now we have to watch them fondle each other and giggle in between trying to express emotional concepts  apparently stolen from bumper stickers. Ultimately, it’s a fade to the Jacuzzi. I wonder how many takes they had to do.

Morning dawns on the island, and JP has nothing lurid to report other than he’s happy. Where’s Clare, in the stirrups at the ob-gyn? Now he has to meet Andi. They stroll hand in hand to a seafood fiesta. “I feel like a real couple with him,” Andi says, seemingly with surprise. They hassle a couple of little kids who are just minding their own business, which charms Andi because even though he jabbers endlessly about Camila, she has never seen JP with children. Always get engaged to a guy whose kid you’ve never met. Instead, worry about whether you’ve had more one-on-one dates with him than the dozen other girls you live with in a hotel.

Off they go in some dune-buggy kind of vehicle to a jungle, which they go through to a waterfall. Always with the waterfalls with him. She asks him what her family talked to him about. JP liked her mom, and seems to have missed the fact that her dad wants to have him fitted for cement overshoes. As we see them sitting under the waterfall smooching, Andi smiles beatifically and says, “This is what I came here for, to find love.” That, and a really bad fungal infection.

They go to dinner. JP worries that Andi said she wants badly to fall in love. She shouldn’t push herself, though. He better not do anything to encourage her to like him. She says she would never force it, though, because of Camila. How would you force love, anyway? It’s not a stubborn jar lid.

JP is concerned about choosing his wife. He doesn’t want to regret it later. Could Andi be like her mother, marrying after only six months? Does Andi fit in his life?  Did she remember to bring some Summer’s Eve? The conversation is like a BuzzFeed quiz.

Here’s the Fantasy Suite key! They answer with a hearty “yes” to that question. Pronouncing Andi “wife material,” JP pushes her back into the pillows and jumps her as swooping music plays. You wonder why she chose to wear a ponytail in these circumstances.

Next morning, JP is delighted. They get along very well, he says. They have chemistry and her cheeks are rounded, a critical element of a successful relationship. Andi, on the other hand, could not wait to get out of the suite this morning. It was a nightmare! She saw a side of him she didn’t like. Maybe his backside? He’s a self-centered, egomaniacal dickwad, it seems, who never asked anything about her. She’s just noticing now? But he also told her about his overnight date with Clare! Well, to be fair, all of America heard about his overnight date with Clare.  Andi despairs that she spent so much time with him, and is just finding all this out now. Somewhere, her dad is laughing bitterly.

Nikki arrives half-dressed to go horseback-riding. JP declares her sexy, oh so sexy. A Saddlecam records her reaction when he suggests she ride with a just a thong on. She tells him her family really liked him, which, after they hear that last exchange, may no longer be the case. He explains how he told her father he isn’t 100 percent sure yet. She hopes she has the courage tonight to tell this asshole she loves him.  At dinner, she uses another phrase he doesn’t know: “I can see the wheels are turning.” That’s new to him because no one ever saw his doing that. I’ve read about a border collie who has a larger vocabulary than JP.

They go to the Fantasy Suite, too, which by now must be pretty rank.  Crickets chirp as they begin the awkward mating ritual. She finally manages to say “I love you,” immediately followed by telling him how hard it was. He murmurs platitudes prior to producing his tongue for insertion. “My intention is for her to see the real me,” he tells us. I guess that means without Viagra.

I wonder if he yelled out Clare’s name on Nikki’s night and Andi’s on Clare’s night. Or maybe Chris’s. Then again, according to Andi, it could have been his own name.

Next day, he and Chris meet up for a locker room wrap-up. A giant phallus-shaped outcropping looms in the background as they chat. “I’m feeling very, very good” about the girls, JP assures Chris. He has assigned each of them four stars in his little black book.  He can see himself with any one of the three, just like Rick Blaine could see himself with Ilsa or either of the other two women he’d spent time with in Paris before the war.

Now Nikki appears on a TV to tell him how she feels. The evening they spent together was awesome. Clare felt the chemistry from their first date, and has fallen in love with him. Now for Andi, heh heh heh. Sounding like an ADA giving a summation, she says she has a lot of thoughts to share, and wants to do it in person. In white short-shorts.

There is no doubt in her mind that she has no future with JP, she explains. All he ever wanted to do when she tried to tell him something important was say “it’s okay” and give her a kiss. He could do well as a UN attache. Meanwhile, JP is confused. He likes her, so what could be wrong? She arrives and he looks all pleased. As she starts to talk, he gazes at her with the concentration of a dog following a ping pong game. She says she doesn’t love him, and he shrugs.

“That’s okay,” he says pleasantly.

“It’s not okay!” she replies emotionally, explaining how she left her life behind to find love on the show and be paid for it.

He tries to say he didn’t mean to be flippant, but of course he doesn’t know that word.  So he opts for  saying he respects her. She’s dissatisfied with that. She wants him to respond, to have emotions. Is “bored” an emotion?

She asks him if he thinks it’s offensive that he told her about his overnight date with Clare. He brushes that one off; he was being honest, you know. Then, when she points out that he told her she was there instead of Renee “by default,” he insists he doesn’t know that word, and that she’s actually “barely there” instead of Renee. Annnnnd, he officially wins the trophy for most despicable human alive, after that guy in Uganda and anyone who beats up the elderly.

She tries again. “Do you have any idea about me?” Does he know what religion she practices, whether she wants kids, her ideas on social issues? He seems stumped about what all those things are, so he asks her defensively  if she knows what religion he is. She tells him he’s Catholic. And not much of one, either, what with all the pre-marital sex and the child out of wedlock.

Anyway, at this point it’s moot. JP only ever cared to know her cup size and her bank balance. He blames her for his own obtuseness and self-centeredness. She should have told him she wanted him to stop being that way. “Ai, Andi,” he finishes, clearly tired of the topic. “I appreciate your honesty.”

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” he tells us when she’s left. “But arguments?” Homie don’t play that. If your distress can’t be palliated with an “it’s okay” and some tongue hockey, JP can’t be bothered. Andi drives off, worrying that she will never find love and have a family.  OKCupid would have been a better risk in the first place. She just wanted JP to have emotions, reactions, to feel something about what just happened. I think that might not be possible since the lobotomy, though.

Clare and Nikki wait for the Rose Ceremony, looking confused that Andi is not there. Chris arrives and explains that she’s gone, and that they need to know about it–but they’ll hear it from JP. This should be rich. “She decided that she wasn’t feeling right, she didn’t have strong feelings for me,” he says, glossing over the entire crux of the issue. But he tells the girls that if they need to talk to him about something, they should come to him and he will be, of course, honest, possibly even telling them about sex he had with other girls.

Nikki and Clare accept their roses. Next week, the gals all return to dis JP big time. Chris says the conclusion will be shocking! Maybe JP will not say “ai” anytime during the entire two hours.

 

 
  • nncw

    Not watching this season but all I can say having read your last 2 sentences is EWW.

  • Murghala

    When the first shot is of bugs and lizards, you get a feeling things are not going to turn out well. That, and all the crying.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    The general consensus.

  • Zapple

    So Clare might forgo the Fantasy Suite? I find that difficult to believe.

  • Murghala

    She must be afraid of the turn-about on the morning after.

  • Zapple

    That’s just every day life down here. Bugs and lots of lizards.

  • Murghala

    When will they turn the damn cameras off already?

  • Zapple

    So how is that good tv, when they turn off the cameras. Is it the morning after walk of shame that we’re looking for?

  • Murghala

    I don’t know. I just can’t stand the coochy coochy.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    They are no Bogie and Bacall.

  • Zapple

    It is pretty sickening, hahah.

  • Murghala

    Andi’s gonna call him an asshole. Now that’s good TV.

  • Murghala

    Does he get VD tests in between Fantasy Suite dates?

  • Zapple

    blahahah!

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Let’s just hope there are condoms placed discreetly every few inches in the Fantasy Suite.

  • Murghala

    Clare gets a yacht. Andi gets soccer in da hood….

  • Sybill Trelawney

    You can’t blame JP. He’s still traumatized by Andi’s shooting abilities and Hy’s disapproval.

  • Zapple

    Real romance right there.Sweaty and dirty.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    I think I’ve figured this show out. Everyone thinks JP is stupid and shallow — and he is. But how would a person of intelligence and depth possibly handle this “inorganic” process? JP is the PERFECT bachelor.

  • Murghala

    I wonder if they can still smell Clare’s perfume on that same couch?

  • Zapple

    The Clean Team rushing in and defunkafies between dates.

  • Zapple

    Anything forced doesn’t work?? Have they met this shows premise?

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Juan Pablo says: “There is nothing wrong with thinking.” How would he know?

  • Zapple

    Earlier, he said to Clare, ‘you’ve done some good thinking here’. splutterhahahah. Had to laugh.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    His vocabulary seems to consist of about 500 words.

  • Zapple

    oo, now we’re getting to the good stuff.

  • Murghala

    Is she gonna give us some details about what was so terrible on the fantasy date, or just be vague?

  • Sybill Trelawney

    JP thinks it was a GREAT night. Andi is pissed. She has finally realized that JP is about 1 millimeter deep.

  • Zapple

    I don’t think JP wants Andi, so he blew it on purpose. She’s right, he doesn’t care about her.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    JP seems happy. I think he got what he wanted out of it.

  • Zapple

    He’s putting on a happy face. He’s hoping she’ll dump him so he won’t have to do the deed.

  • Murghala

    He didn’t want to have to get circumsized.

  • Murghala

    Look! A horse’s ass!

  • Sybill Trelawney

    OMG, Nikki’s outfit. They deserve each other.

  • Murghala

    It’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Nikki: “He’s a good kisser and a great dad.” So that’s apparently the end of Nikki’s deliberative process.

  • Linda

    Literally and figuratively!

  • lola

    Back from Glee to this train wreck!

  • lola

    Did he say “icky” or “nicki”?

  • Linda

    The real me……uh oh

  • Zapple

    It’s a revolting display,haha

  • lola

    It’s repulsive but I can’t look away….oh I replied to the wrong post but that’s ok!…fitting for any post!

  • Sybill Trelawney

    The Greek term for that is “hathos.” And I know exactly how you feel.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    JP: “I am feeling really really good about these women who spent the night with me.”

  • Sybill Trelawney

    They make VIDEOS for him? OMG. Now I feel dead inside.

  • Joanie Yan

    Maybe he should just move to Utah and marry all 3.

  • Linda

    I would think having the overnight with whatever that entailed would only muddle things up even more.

  • Zapple

    Seemed to clear it right up for Andi! His self involved babbling killed the love buzz.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    LOL, as Andi walks up the hill to dump JP, Chris Harrison brightly asks, “Do YOU want to date our next Bachelor?”

  • Linda

    I meant for him. He seems kind of unsure about his feelings for any of them.

  • Linda

    Haha. Couldn’t you see Clare and Nicki sharing?

  • Zapple

    hehehe! And a resounding Hell NO was heard around the country.

  • Linda

    Touché!

  • Zapple

    Maybe he’s waiting for all the dumping dust to settle and see which one will have him at the end.

  • Linda

    For real

  • Zapple

    Besitos! hahaha, JP remedy for all that ails you.

  • lola

    He’s gonna cry now?

  • lola

    Well, he acts like he doesn’t give a crap.

  • Zapple

    That’s how he was with Charleen too. Okay…it’s fine. buhbye

  • Sybill Trelawney

    “It’s okay, it’s fine.” Andi wants a bit more drama.

  • Murghala

    Maybe it means something different in his language. HAHAHAA

  • Amy Beth

    Switching over from the Voice. So one night with JP and Andi is dunzo, huh?

  • lola

    lol!

  • Murghala

    Maybe he can try a little to change her mind and heart?

  • lola

    yup-uh-roo!

  • Linda

    I’m dumping you but I want you to beg me to stay.

  • lola

    it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay….he’s getting defensive now.

  • lola

    You are correct!!!

  • Zapple

    Exactly! Hang on to your dignity and just go.

  • Amy Beth

    Andi is fighting a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

  • Zapple

    Isn’t Andi the lawyer?

  • Sybill Trelawney

    “I didn’t say you were a default choice, I said you BARELY made it here, that’s TOTALLY different!!!!!!

  • lola

    Music is getting louder!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeek

  • Linda

    Good one!

  • Murghala

    “Default” is not in his vocabulary.

  • Linda

    Their dignity was left in the limo the day they stepped out to meet this guy lol

  • Amy Beth

    He meant she wore fewer clothes. That’s what Bare-ly means, right?

  • Linda

    You’re on a roll!

  • Murghala

    I think as soon as Andi called him an asshole, she should have stood up, brushed off her barely there shorts, and stormed out. I rest my case, your honor!

  • Amy Beth

    Good source material.

  • Joanie Yan

    This is actually the first time I’ve liked him. LOL – she has no feelings for him and is upset he’s not upset.

  • lola

    You are stupid, Andi. Get the hell outta there!!! He doesn’t like you!

  • Linda

    He has no ideas at all lol

  • Linda

    Talk about beating a dead horse! Leave already.

  • Murghala

    But there’s 20 more minutes to the end of the show.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    The “I am too stupid to know that word” defense is unusually apt here. JP is totally happy to be the dumb shallow person he is. He takes no responsibility for upsetting anyone else. Having said all that, Andi should just get up and go now.

  • Zapple

    She just wants to school him. She’s a lawyer, she has to be right and win the arguement.

  • Linda

    Let him talk about how he wished he’d chosen one of the others scantily clad chicks lol

  • Linda

    After that they get all huggy again?

  • Amy Beth

    So what brought this on? That she might actually “win” or that he was a real dud in the sack?

  • Murghala

    As if Nikki or Clare aren’t going to argue with him? Right, JP. Okay!

  • Zapple

    One little argument and No soup for you!

  • lola

    I think she wants to say he’s a dolt but won’t say it on TV.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Juan Pablo: “Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit. I did say just before our talk that she could be the one, but since she told me that I did not behave well, that’s it for me. I do not allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself. I am shallow and proud of it.”

  • Linda

    Maybe after living in this fantasy world with all those women vying for him left him a little more delusional than before.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    They will only argue with him ONCE.

  • lola

    She’s looking for a metrosexual, not a Juan Pablo-al

  • Linda

    Nope, you’re never gonna find it with that pouty argumentative attitude.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    They won’t argue about social issues or religion, though.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    I love 26-year-olds despairing that they will never find The One.

  • Linda

    Methinks she might be jockeying to be the next looking for love gal.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Initially I thought Andi should just get up and leave. But I can understand her wanting him to understand WHY she was upset. She just should have realized sooner that he was never going to understand why she was upset. For JP, everything that happens is someone else’s fault. The problem was not that he talked to her about his other overnights, or didn’t ask her any questions about her self, or told her that she BARELY made it to overnights. The problems was that SHE was argumentative. So even though before their little chat he was telling the camera that the overnight was great and she could be the one, now he’s glad to be rid of her.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Don’t know if she was jockeying, but she is.

  • Amy Beth

    Clare’s face!!

  • Linda

    So now they’re the final two by default.

  • Murghala

    Hahahaaa! The D word!!

  • Murghala

    smug

  • Amy Beth

    They barely made it to Final 2.

  • Zapple

    I hope they both say no.

  • Linda

    Run run!

  • Sybill Trelawney

    Did she just say what I think she just said? Hy isn’t going to like that.

  • Zapple

    That is exactly right. He IS annoying with his it’s okay, it’s okay. We really don’t know much about him.

  • Murghala

    What did she say? couldn’t hear.

  • Sybill Trelawney

    I thought she said, “I closed my eyes and waited for it to be done.”

  • Linda

    Sometimes I think Nikki just wants to “win”

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Just like they were in England.

  • lola

    Don’t think he’ll pick either one. He has to realize neither of these women is step-mother material IMO.

  • Amy Beth

    I thought it was uncomprehending.

    Which makes her ae reflect match for JP

  • lola

    Strangest “The Bachelor” ever.. Bet producers are regretting this guy but women wanted him there if I remember. Ratings are still good, though. I think culturally there just is a huge difference between Juan Pablo and every single one of these woman. And of course he’s unemployed. :-)

  • Joanie Yan

    Blame ABC for casting him. He was never serious about finding a wife. He wanted action and he got it.

  • Zapple

    She tried to share with him her deepest thoughts and concerns, and all he did was go on and on about himself, never once asking her anything about herself. It dawned on her that he was annoying and shallow. Bingo!

  • tammy

    Ok, ANDI FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE
    or Renee

  • tammy

    Andi: You don’t even know what religion I practice
    Juan Pablo: What’s my religion?
    Andi: Catholic
    Juan Pablo: ….

    LOLOL

  • Lynn Di Resto

    Juan is only after celebrity status. He is so wrapped up in himself. If he said one more time “I understand”, I will vomit. Now he is going to be on DWTS. Dirtbag all the way.

  • Loretta

    I gave up on this season of the Bachelor as JP is such a TOOL! His is shallow, self absorbed and an oaf. I hope Andi is the next Bachelorette. Love Her!!

  • chillj

    That was funny. I so wished I had watched this episode: the entire bach franchise imploded, it seems. About time.