For our dose of drama tonight, the women team up with JP for a photo shoot to benefit something called Models n Mutts, “an organization of compassionate models dedicated to raising money and awareness to the many animal charities in need of support.” Finally, the bachelorette who has no other credentials than “dog lover” will have the advantage.
Each bachelorette will have a photo taken with her assigned rescue dog and JP, perhaps to raise money and awareness to the many single men in need of support. However, reports an overwrought abc.com, two of the women are horrified to learn they must wear sexy bathing suits for the shoot–after all, the dogs will be stark naked–which indicates that they either did not watch the series in previous seasons or were feeling bloated this week. The specter of showing the viewing audience a few cubic inches more flesh than they did last week results in tears, angry reproachments, and extra camera time for these lucky gals.
JP apparently has his own second thoughts during the course of the show, telling Us Magazine that he considered leaving “phew! A couple of times. Yeah, a couple of times.” But then his attorney hot-glued a copy of his contract with the production company to his windshield. “I don’t like hurting people, and it gets tough as you start getting to know people better,” he explained, emotionally dropping “t”s and eliding “l”s. It got particularly difficult after he was forced to read the free spirit’s blog about the dangers of fracking.
8:00! And by the way, James Brolin guest stars on Castle, next. The shows opens with a bunch of women gibbering at each other in the villa. Clare, the hairstylist,has the first solo date with JP. She tells us she doesn’t go to bars or on dates, for that matter, so this is promising. By “this,” I mean, appearing on national television to vie with a couple of dozen strangers for the attention of a man she has never met before. Much more promising than match.com. He blindfolds her, which is not promising, unless she’s into S&M. The date card said, “Let’s chill,” so maybe he’s going to lock her in an abandoned refrigerator.
They arrive somewhere snowy and JP has Clare jump on his back so he can carry her. They’re going sledding! “This is unreal,” rhapsodizes Clare. No wonder she never goes on dates, she won’t settle for dinner and a movie.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Lucy is swimming topless. She forgot to pack her bikini top, and it’s not like any of the other girls or the wardrobe department can lend her one.
JP thinks Clare is very cute and fun, while she hasn’t felt this alive with a man in a long time. Someone is going to be let down. They go ice skating, foreshadowing the iciness he will show her before long.
The next date card arrives at the house, and it’s for Kat. He writes, “I can feel the electricity.” He wants her to bring her vibrator.
The snowy evening ends, of course, in a hot tub. Where did they change, behind an evergreen? Clare tells JP how perfect her now-dead father was, which explains why she doesn’t date much. She does properly use the word “ironic” in describing herself as having turned into an ice queen since the dad died. JP just can’t wait to get to the making out part. He also wouldn’t mind free hairstyling, so he gives her a rose. “I can’t wait to see what comes next,” she says. I think that will be Juan Pablo in the hot tub.
They scurry across the snow to where some dude, cross-promoted from X-Factor, serenades them with a guitar. They dance while she clutches the rose against JP’s naked back. Ouch! It starts snowing. Someone is going to get pneumonia. Clare exclaims over and over at how fantastic it all is and JP is. She better slow down or she’s going to run out of superlatives to describe the second date.
X Factor alum, Josh Krajcik, performs
Medical sales rep Kat squees pre-date next. No insecurities or romantic dreaminess for her, it’s all business. She dresses casually in white short-shorts, and they drive to an airport to board a private jet. Aren’t they setting the standards kind of high at the outset? Post-show, it’ll be back to his five-year-old car and impulsive trips to the Kroger. JP hands her a neon-colored running outfit with LED lights all over it to change into. They land in. . .Salt Lake City? I’d throw that date card right in his face.
They’re there for the Electric Run, some kind of weird race with a million screaming people and loud dance music. Not exactly an intimate date, and they have to yell at each other to be heard. Nevertheless, he’s all handsy right off the bat.
Another date card arrives at the house for a whole bunch of the girls. “Say cheese,” it says. Mixed reactions abound, especially for the dreariness of the copywriters.
Back in SLC, Kat and JP are called on stage. She’s thrilled to see a rose there. How does he even know he likes her? Then again, he may like women who wear what he says, let him manhandle them, and are satisfied on dates where he doesn’t have to listen to them.
Next, the 13 girls listed on the last date card go off in the limo, throwing back liquor. JP is waiting to meet them in some skeevy warehouse district. He can’t possibly tie them all up and hang them from meat hooks. They enter a huge photo studio, and JP welcomes his turquoise-bearded creative director to introduce the dogs. They’re the most natural-looking ones on the show.
As the creative director shows the girls their costumes, JP leers at the bikinis. Elise is showed just two cardboard signs attached to hangers. She isn’t happy. Andi, the ADA, gets only one sign. “Being naked is not in my comfort zone,” she says. Being stripped of her dignity to appear on a reality show is right up her alley, though.
Elise explains that she’s a school teacher and wants to be a role model. Creative Director brushes her off, claiming her nakedness is not the thing, what matters is the cause it’s promoting. This is why teachers are sleeping with their students all the time–it’s not the sex, it’s the nurturing the relationship provides. Lucy offers to switch her hydrant costume with Elise, then strolls outside naked with her dog. She’s more of a lewd spirit than a free one.
Cassandra gets a date-scene photo with JP and her dog, who gets meatballs. I think the dog made out better. Renee also gets a romantic scene, which troubles the girls wearing silly costumes, as they seem to believe pretending to date someone for the camera is the equivalent of the real thing. Oh, wait.
Meanwhile, Andi continues to agonize wretchedly over the nudity required for her photo. She must be really effective at closing arguments. JP tells her he’ll be naked in their shot, too, and he’s not afraid. I bet not. “He was uncomfortable, too,” she says happily, which makes her feel better. He failed to mention Clothes-Free Spirit Lucy would be in the shot, too.
At the end of the day, they all go to a rooftop pool to drink some more and wear huge dangly earrings. Cassandra tells us she has a son whom she must tell JP about, a prospect apparently as daunting as having to tell him she used to be a man. Why was this child a secret before? Is he Damien or did the PR people only want to mention one single mom in the initial press releases? She and JP go off alone, crowded out of the space by her Bratz Doll eyelashes, so she can finally admit she’s had sex at least once before.
Next to go off onto the Terrace of Intimacy is Renee, whose eyelashes are pretty stumpy. She discusses how she didn’t quite kiss him. She should have admitted to having another kid.
JP carries Nikki to a sofa. She holds a pillow protectively over her midsection and tells him how she loves her job. He seems puzzled at the concept of working.
Visibly drunk Victoria staggers around, talking about straddling people when you perform the Heimlich maneuver, which I believe she may have confused with another physical interaction between two frenetic people. She appears in her soaking wet bikini in view of Nikki and JP, who shake their heads sadly and voice pity for her. She flees to the bathroom and locks herself in, sobbing pathetically but loudly enough for the boom mike guy to capture it. Renee comes in to comfort her. They sit on the bathroom floor as Victoria first shrieks her dismay, then stalks away, insisting she’s going home. A crew member stops her, insisting she needs her shoes before he’ll let her on the elevator. “I’m done, done, done, done,” she tells him articulately. Finally, in frustration, she runs back to the bathroom and slams a stall door behind her. I wonder how many takes all that required.
The other bachelorettes express disapproval of Victoria’s behavior. A grinning Lucy comes to tell JP about her. He goes into the bathroom–the ladies room? Shocking!– and follows the sounds of the sobs. She refuses to talk to him. We see a great toilet-paper-dispener’s-eye-view shot of her huddled by the toilet. JP gives up, but is the picture of understanding fatherliness as he tells the other girls he feels bad for her. More importantly, he has a rose for Kelly, apparently because she happily dressed as a bulldog. She’ll get something even better if she dresses as a French maid.
Next day, the girls, in varying states of undress, are still fussing over Victoria, who has been hustled off to some hotel. JP visits her there and she apologizes. Very clever, Victoria–you finally got one-on-one time on your own terms. She tells him she feels everything very intensely, wink wink, nudge nudge. JP tells her it’s hard to see a scene like she threw last night because he’s a father and his daughter snXkd;a$@mf!l–sorry, I feel asleep. Anyway, he jettisons her, because just picture that chick with PMS.
In advance of the Rose Ceremony, the girls talk of the “uncertainty” of what happened with Victoria, as if she were disappeared by the CIA. JP calls Amy L. to the couch. She’s a reporter, so she conducts a TV interview of him. This doesn’t seem like a productive tactic, but she thinks they had a good conversation while she brandished a pretend microphone and spoke to the camera.
Now it’s time for Sharleen, the First Impression Rose lady. She apologizes for being ungracious when he gave it to her. She finds it “weirdly nervewracking” to talk to him. Another win in the intimate conversation category. But at least her boobs are properly hanging out this time.
Next we see as Cassandra, who is all worked up about missing her son, even though last week she made no mention of him. She is also comforted by Renee, who is either very nurturing or is secretly undermining her competitors through psychological means. They leave the room and perch on the edge of a bathtub to talk more. JP follows, possibly hoping for a threesome in the tub. Cassandra asks the question that has boggled philosophers for an eternity: “Why am I here?” I’m asking the same thing on behalf of my remote control channel selector right now.
Chris arrives and I find I didn’t miss him. JP reports, “Oof! It’s been a great week.” Cassandra gets the first rose. For her, crying paid off. It’s a fine line. Nikki gets one next. Andi follows, then Elise. Why do only half of these faces look familiar? Sharleen, Renee–then who? Lanuel? It’s his accent, damn. Lucy, well, who doesn’t like naked. Alison, I didn’t realize there was an Alison, Chelsie, Lauren. And the final rose goes to Christy. Chantel and Amy L. are out. That interviewing gimmick was very ill-advised. And Chantel never had a one-on-one, did she?
JP preaches to his remaining minions about the difficulty of weeding them out of the crowd, and they toast each other. Here’s to contrived competitions for the affections of a media-hyped television character! L’chaim!
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