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Tonight the live AGT show will begin as soon as President Obama addresses the nation about the situation in Syria. As if America cares more about punishing the use of chemical weapons on civilians than it does about whether or not Cami Bradley will accompany herself on the piano.
Vying tonight for the next six spots are four singing acts, three dance acts, three acrobatic acts, one dull comedian, and one nervous magician. The million dollar prize is almost within reach now for these performers. Meanwhile, the judges have earned several times that much since the season began, and none of them had to wear Spandex and rhinestones to do it.
After the President has frightened us with discussion of his planned attack on Syria, we get to be horrified anew at the opening footage of the dreamy expressions and banal words of the AGT contestants and judges. Nick has on a subdued tuxedo with his trademark sparkly shoes. I shudder to think what his underwear looks like.
The Chicago Boyz start things off tonight. Why is there only one little kid in the group? Is it just because he can be on the top of the human pyramid? They make a few misses in this routine, but fortunately no one breaks a leg or tears off a dreadlock. And they still manage to jump rope stacked three Boyz high.
Branden James follows. His parents have supported him, he says, insisting you can have love even if you don’t have understanding. Which explains why I never cared that I can’t make out anything Gilles Marini ever says. He sings Hallelujah, which is just painful with this type of operatic arrangement. Blue laser lights are criss-crossed around him so it looks like one of those alarm systems that are set off if you break a beam, which is apt, since he’s committed a crime with this performance. He gives the kids the “it gets better” pep talk at the end. I hope he’s talking about his singing.
Next comes Innovative Force. If they can make it here, they can make it anywhere that someone wants to watch a hoard of sequin-speckled tweens jump around on a stage to pop music. Tonight their performance is more dance-like than cheerleader-like. The judges love it. The girls should cherish this moment, which will be among the final few in their lives where they can wear satin catsuits without agonizing over their saddlebags.
The KriStef Brothers are next to appear. They touch each other a lot. This time, they do a unique bit where the dark one is balanced on the blond’s hands while he’s lying prone on the floor, and the blond rolls completely over! We learn they have never done the same trick twice on the show, unless you count accurately reproducing the on-screen sexual tension between Starsky and Hutch.
Now we must endure D’Angelo and Amanda. He saw his dad cry for the first time when they made the final 12. I suspect D’Angelo would have been the one crying if they hadn’t. This week they bring Ricky Ricardo’s band from the Tropicana to accompany them, along with enough sequins to choke a toucan. In every performance, however, they do that move where she bends over backwards from the knees and he swings a leg over her head. Ruby and Jonas wouldn’t do that.
Catapult performs next. The director bemoans how no one knew what the hell was going on in their last performance, and that his kids are upset at how hard he works to create performances no one can figure out. This one’s theme is bullying, and naturally includes a winged sea monster. Mel says she wants to learn how to do it herself, but I think those giant gazongas would make all the shadow images look cancerous.
And now for Forte, the trio of one tall guy, one short guy, and one chubby guy. They sing My Heart Will Go On. Aside from all the Titanic jokes, that’s pretty much it.
Taylor Williamson, the comedian, follows. His comedy hero is Howie. It shows. Howard thought his material was “edgy,” meaning it was of the “my grandma was racist” and “I had PC parents” variety. Heidi wants to “auf” him.
Next comes Collins Key, the kid magician. I wonder if he has brothers named Crank, Tack, and Stink. He takes Nick’s watch, which is grotesque in its ostentation, and asks Howard to point to one of three paper bags on a table. He puts Nick’s watch in there, and cheap watches in the other two bags, then asks Howie to reset his watch to a different time. After shuffling the bags, Collins first asks Heidi to pick one and then Mel to pick another one. He smashes those bags with a sledgehammer. It turns out that Howie changed his watch to 4:58, and now Nick’s not-smashed watch says that time. It would have been better if he had smashed it, though, because it is that hideous.
Now for Kenichi Ebina, whose wife tells him he does not express emotion. I hear ya, Mrs. Ebina. Unfortunately, this means we do not get a cool video-interactive performance, but some emo interpretive dance to Enya’s latest release. Then it gets better, as Branden would say, and more fascinating to watch. It appears he is flying at one point.
Jimmy Rose is next. His mom inspired him to sing, but she can’t be here at Radio City tonight because–choke, hesitate–she has congestive heart failure. He sings God Gave Me You with a big red vintage truck behind him on the stage, scoring huge points one after the other with Mom, The Lord, and Chevrolet. The judges were underwhelmed. Maybe he could star in a remake of Sergeant York.
We finish up with Cami Bradley. At the piano, she sings Livin’ on a Prayer in her small-town church-singer style, wearing a church-style dress. All that’s missing are the pews and the rummage sale.
Now, America, you must pick just six to go forward. Can you do it? Tell me about it next week.
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