We’re here! Finale night! At 9 PM on NBC, we will see one of the final six acts awarded the title of America’s Most Talented Performer Who Just Couldn’t Be Bothered To Invest The Necessary Time, Energy, and Commitment To Achieve Legitimate Success. With that singular honor comes big bucks (amounting to something like $25,000 a year before taxes, unless the winner chooses to take the present cash value of the annuity, in which case they net about $430,000–$143,333 apiece for Forte–based on a fixed rate of five per cent, less state and federal taxes), a headline show in Vegas, and a place in America’s hearts and sponsored Facebook posts.
Before we can share their tears of joy and gratitude, we must wait it out through performances by a bunch of frantically cross-promoting singers like Il Divo and Josh Groban.
And somewhere, in a lonely pine-paneled TV room, D’Angelo and Ruby will be watching, and sticking pins into voodoo dolls of the Snapple CEO.
It’s our last rapid-fire clip review of all the inane comments made by the judges and the contestants crying. Cherish it, people. Then Nick appears on stage in a tuxedo with an oddly cut white jacket. Eight minutes in, we’re still watching review clips interspersed with backstage moments of the contestants praising each other. The editor must get paid a lot of overtime.
Entertainment starts with the Rockettes, who these days wear LED-lit outfits that flash different colors. They’re a coordinated light show as they dance. How does that work? Are they all plugged into a massive power strip?
Before we learn any results, we have to listen to Icona Pop, a girl group dressed like 60′s luncheonette waitresses. They sing about as well as an order of cheese fries. Regimental, aerobic-like dance movements are performed behind them by people in various states of undress. It’s like a nightmare I had after watching a Nazi movie while eating Mexican food.
Now a look into “the lives of the judges.” This means clips of them bantering with each other like kids in detention while dressed in ensembles that cost more than annual health insurance for a family of four. And yet another replay of The Kiss. I have now seen this footage more often than the Challenger explosion.
Next Cami Bradley duets with Gavin DeGraw, she on a small white piano and he on a big black one that are just barely touching. Make of that what you will. Who originated the celebrity-rising star duet? Was it American Idol or Lawrence Welk? And who’s going to duet magic with Collins?
The next star pairing is Kenichi dancing to the music of Il Divo, along with Heather Headley. He is so cute in his wee tuxedo. But then they send him off the stage so these bozos can bellow Can You Feel the Love Tonight in two languages. Disney hasn’t been this continental since they opened a yacht club at Epcot. One of the Divos says Kenichi reminds him of Michael Jackson. They do have similar eyebrows.
After that, James Lipton interviews Taylor. Two guys with terrible hair and awkward delivery. Taylor’s favorite curse word is Dick Cheney. Apparently he wrote all his material in 2004. Lipton then segues things into a montage of Nick clips, featuring a panoply of suit hues.
Now for Collins Key. He gets Kathie Lee and Hoda as his “sexy assistants,” which will not only teach him not to be so desperate about wanting a girlfriend, but indicates that he did not win this show. He seals an empty envelope, and has Kathie Lee sign it and sit on it. Then he promotes Hoda’s book and has her randomly pick a page and read the first word. He giggles like a toddler and shows them a pile of dollar bills, from which they take one. Then he shows them that the page Hoda chose is now torn from the book. He “visualizes” writing the word and the serial number of the bill they chose on the missing page and inserting it into the envelope. I guess this is what he does in bed instead of making up Penthouse Forum letters. And of course, when he opens the envelope that is warm from Kathie Lee’s behind, the page is inside with the information written on it. This is the same trick yet again! Yes, it’s impressive, but it’s the SAME TRICK. Fangirls, remember–Collins can only do one trick (nudge, nudge).
In the Snapple All-Natural Talent Suite, everyone looks listless as Nick introduces Forte. It now seems apparent that the tall one is the best singer. Then Josh Groban appears out of the smoke, reducing all three of them to back-up performers.
Now it’s Jimmy Rose’s turn to sing with Dierks Bentley, a name that sounds like a car dealership. They both have guitars and blue jeans and sing about “thangs Ah boolave in.” I notice that often these authentic country singers do not have authentic country teeth. Jimmy looks gobsmacked that Dierks is there with him, or maybe he’s just impressed with his mop of curly hair that a coal mining helmet would probably not fit over.
Now, wow, Earth, Wind & Fire perform. At least we, and they, don’t have to put up with any of the show’s inept acts performing with them. However, I imagine a good percentage of the audience has no idea who they are. They finish September, plug their new release, and sing something from that. It’s nice to know they stay current with their marketing tactics.
Finally, the six finalists are lined up on stage. For one, the dream of stardom is about to end, intones Nick. And then for four more, no? In sixth place is. . . wow, Cami Bradley. I thought she’d be higher up. She’s certainly better than One-Trick Key.
Next to eat dirt is . . .Collins Key. Hey, kid, did you predict that and post it on You Tube?
The Top 4 gape nervously. Who’s out next? It’s Forte. The most memorable thing for them was blah, blah, blah, we stopped caring as soon as your name was called.
Moving right along, it’s another commercial break and then Luke Bryan will perform while Jimmy, Kenichi, and Taylor flood their underarm areas.
Who is this Luke Bryan person? His jeans are as tight as a OJ’s glove and everyone is waving American flags while he sings. He holds the mike and wanders all over the stage and crouches and twirls his trucker’s hat, which is not a cowboy hat. Is this some new incarnation of country singer? After some googling, I find I couldn’t care less.
Back to results. Why does Nick keep saying they’re “leaving the competition”? The competition is over in five minutes. Maybe it’s some legalistic language that prevents them from ever auditioning again. Or maybe Nick is stupid. Anyway, third place goes to. . . Jimmy Rose. He was proud to represent coal mining, which I didn’t know he was, so not such a good job, Jimbo.
It’s down to Taylor and Kenichi. Good grief, America. You really put these guys in even the same football stadium where talent is concerned?
First there is a review of the two’s journey on the show, because recent federal legislation requires that the word “journey” be used at least nine times in every episode of any reality show.
Who has the nation chosen as winner of AGT Season 8? It’s . . . come on already. . . KENICHI EBINA!!!!
Good work, America. Kenichi looks mildly startled. Hooray, hooray, hooray! Thanks to all the commenters for sharing this journey with me. Good night, and thank you Simon Cowell.