America's Got Talent - Season 8

We’re almost there! So cut out all that bickering in the back seat. The final six acts will perform tonight to vie for the million dollar prize and a rapid descent into bar-room trivia game answer. Tomorrow night will be the exciting, filler-packed finale featuring several special guests and Nick in more sequins than the Coney Island Mermaid Parade.

Tonight we’ll see performances by dweeby country singer Jimmy Rose, emo church singer Cami Bradley, and multicultural operatic singers Forte; acrobatic dancer Kenichi Ebina; awkward teen magician Collins Key; and nasally comedian Taylor Williamson. How is America supposed to choose the best among these acts, when their talents are so diverse? But anything can happen tonight to capture the hearts and minds of the country’s viewers. Taylor might even say something funny.

Here’s Nick with a tux and a red flower in his lapel. I’m sure his shoes  broke the Bedazzler. It appears that vast crowds of people waited outside of Radio City for the opportunity to touch the fingers of the passing contestants. More likely that was just the line for the local Starbucks, which has just started serving the pumpkin latte.

The finalists perform twice tonight. One time is a reprise, preferably improved, of an old act, and the other is a new act, preferably entertaining.

Jimmy Rose leads off. I bet he wasn’t expecting that. He’s going to try to capture lightening in a bottle again with his first song, one he wrote called Coal Keeps The Lights On. Is this an ad for his industry in case he loses? Nick asks him about the song, but I can’t understand the answer because I don’t speak hillbilly.

Next comes Kenichi Ebina. He’s doing his first act, too, which got thousands of You Tube hits. It’s the one where his head appears to fall off. We get plenty of brainless on this show, but no headless. This time he also twists his hand all the way around and some other breathtaking body manipulations. Dip him in buffalo sauce, because this man is boneless!

Following that is Cami Bradley, who will repeat her performance of Cher’s Believe. She practically fellates the microphone. The moody wailing, tinkling piano keys, and feathered bangs result in another standing ovation. Howard says she was a hillbilly sitting in a church when they found her. Now she’s a famewhore sitting in the Snapple All Natural Talent Suite. Howie claims she’s the most original singer they have, despite the fact that she covered someone else’s vastly overplayed song, while Jimmy wrote his own and then sang it in an indecipherable language.

Collins Key is supposedly leaving countless girls screaming. That would be quite a trick. Doing the same magic act a second time wouldn’t be wise for him, so instead he’s going to be more intimate with his performance. What, is he going to make his pants disappear? He does a trick that involves Heidi and Mel biting the opposite ends of two playing cards they’ve signed , like Lady and the Tramp at a poker game, which then appear to meld together. He’s still boring and he keeps ruining perfectly good cards.

Next is Forte, performing Andrea Bocelli’s The Prayer, their act from Vegas Week. Does this mean they haven’t got a prayer? Howie philosophizes about how difficult it will be for America to choose them after seeing Kenichi and the comedian, even though Forte had really great lights and a choir this time. He must spend a really long time in car show rooms.

Now for Taylor Williamson. He also can’t repeat his act., and I would rather he didn’t. He claims the producers insisted, though, so for his camel joke, a guy in a camel suit comes out. That’s funnier than he is. Then he’s compelled to make a joke about Heidi being married to a seal. The rest is not any funnier either. I really don’t get his appeal.

Back to Cami, so it’s a different order in the second round. Sneaky! Tonight has to be the performance of her life, she asserts with the hyperbole of your average reality show contestant. So she does a Camification of I Want To Hold Your Hand. She’s showing some leg for good measure. She’s just a little too sweet and innocent-seeming. I suspect a Rosemary’s baby is hidden in a black bassinet somewhere in that church basement.

Collins comes next. We get to see him crying again after his first appearance. That instills confidence. He tells us he posted a video prediction on You Tube yesterday. Then some people took photos of themselves, which they posted with hashtags. The judges each have select one of those photos, which they hold up, and the people who correspond to them step forward. Damn, isn’t that dark-haired girl the same, supposedly unknown-to-him one who appeared on stage for one of his other tricks? Anyway, yeah, he predicted their appearances and the hashtags. These tricks are all variations on the same thing. Collins wants to keep magic young, fresh and relevant, he says, which is why he uses social media.  How is magic ever old, stale, and irrelevant? You make something disappear, that’s pretty ageless.

Now let’s hear from Jimmy again. Up til now he was jist uh drimmer, but he tawk chintzes in laff and now he’s here. He sings another out of the ordinary selection, The Dance, made famous by Garth Brooks and several hundred other reality show contestants. Mel says he’s so nice she would take him home to mum. They would need an interpreter.

Next is Taylor. He claims he has the “biggest people in comedy” telling him he’s doing the right thing with his life. Does he mean Howie? If he’s big in comedy, then I’m pretty damn sizeable in live-blogging. Taylor takes a lot of pauses between lines to snort and make non-sequiters. They point to his mother in the audience, who appears to be a blond in a tight red dress.  That was unexpected.

Kenichi now. He dances with himself many times over on the big video screen. Mel felt it was a little bit off. This from the woman with enormous hair and poorly contained cleavage. Howie freaks out about the importance of voting, much as I did last week for the New York City mayoral primary, which I bet Howie skipped.

And finally, it’s Forte. They all faced a lot of rejection before now. They were told over and over again they were just not good enough. “Never let go of that dream,”advises the chubby one tearfully. Yeah, tell it to Marty Brown. They sing something in Italian, accompanied by lots of blinking, criss-crossing laser lights, as Caruso often had in his performances. Howard calls them the Crosby, Stills, and Nash of opera. Maybe one of them will impregnate a lesbian pop singer later on.

Voting is open! See you tomorrow night to find out what happened.

 
  • Murghala

    Oh boy, does it get more exciting than this? whoo

  • Murghala

    Mel B looks so much different on the show, than on the commercial.

  • Murghala

    Wouldn’t solar power also keep the laghts on?

  • Murghala

    Though if nothing else, he could sell the song to the coal industry. Would make good commercials.

  • Zapple

    *snort*!

  • Zapple

    Man, that is some twangy brand of country. Some people love it, but I ain’t one of them. I can’t even tell if he’s good because of all the twanging going on.

  • Murghala

    I couldn’t understand most of what he was singing.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    At least they didn’t give Jimmy the pimp spot again

  • Murghala

    And yet beloved Kenichi is in the death spot?!?!

  • Zapple

    They’re hoping people will forget about him by the end of the show.

  • Murghala

    Mel B took her cleavage to the next level.

  • Zapple

    Kenichi so good at that.. If he doesn’t win this, someone out there is going to snag him for SOMETHING.

  • Zapple

    Maybe she should change her name to Mel DD?

  • Murghala

    I was just thinking the same thing. He’s got a job somewhere after this. I think he could be a mascot.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    He is something else

  • Murghala

    Plus he’s an adorable elf.

  • Zapple

    Down right Sprite-esque.

  • Murghala

    Shnugs, have you gotten another gig from MJ after AGT is over? i HOPE SO!!

  • Murghala

    Cami has great teeth.

  • Zapple

    She IS a very pretty girl.

  • Zapple

    But not as great as Toofy :)

  • Murghala

    HAHAA Good times!!

  • Zapple

    The male judges are slobbering all over Cami.

  • Murghala

    Somehow I don’t see her in Vegas. Meanwhile, I’ve never been there. Just in impression i have.

  • Murghala

    I don’t understand what he did or what happened.

  • Zapple

    He took two cards and made them one card while Heidi and Mel held them in their teeth.

  • Guest

    Can’t imagine how he did that?? Of course I know squat about magic tricks….

  • Murghala

    Glue?

  • Zapple

    No, it was ONE card. They examined it up close. Can’t imagine how he did that?? Of course I know squat about magic tricks….

  • Murghala

    Oh Shnugs just explained that they started out back to back and ended up front to front or maybe vice versa.

  • Murghala

    I can’t believe that awful comedian has the pimp spot. I can’t even remember his name.

  • Murghala

    I still say they should be “Threete”

  • Zapple

    Andt it was one card, not two smooshed toegher.

  • Murghala

    And, I still say, ‘Meh”

  • Murghala

    So it’s amazing, but if lil ol’ me didn’t get it, I say he failed.

  • Zapple

    Mel B was non-commital. Howie is back peddling….Howard can’t sleep with any of them, so he’s also heeing and hawing..

  • Murghala

    When will he say something funny?

  • Zapple

    HAH! Taylor did the only thing he could with that. He has hutzpah.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    I don’t think I knew what was going on either, though.

  • Murghala

    I have to go to bed. Ihope America votes for Kenichi, while I’m sleeping.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    He annoys the hell out of me.

  • Zapple

    heheheheh! He does seem out of his league with all these other acts.

  • Zapple

    Night Murgs!

  • The Moist

    Go Jimmy! Go go go!
    I mean go home!

  • The Moist

    Take Camille with you.

  • The Moist

    Can you hook up your phone to dial idol? I don’t really care if Kenichi wins or not. I just don’t want any of the other five to win.

  • Zapple

    The Jimmy love has died! Are you getting a refund on the t-shirt?

  • The Moist

    He’s very popular though. I hear the tweens love him. Maybe he’s Dane Cook for the kids.

  • The Moist

    I remember this show was good two weeks ago.

  • The Moist

    MJ needs a writer for Honey Boo Boo.

  • Zapple

    He embraces his dorkiness. For all the bullied geeks out there!

  • The Moist

    High concept stripper. I’d hire him

  • http://mj Shnugs

    I forgot that

  • Zapple

    I just missed Collins last trick. No worries tho, Shnugs will sum it up perfectly.

  • The Moist

    If those bullied geeks want to stop being bullied, they should stop being so stupid.

  • The Moist

    He killed the love I had last week with the tractor and the patriotic song. I could embrace his cheesiness, but last week was just hateful.

  • Pablito Garcia

    Magic is irrelevant when for example, it uses thimbles or “audio cassettes” for prediction effects.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    It was exactly the same trick he’s done every other time.

  • http://mj Shnugs

    thimbles? who uses thimbles?

  • http://mj Shnugs

    It was a truck, but I hear ya, pal.

  • The Moist

    Goop (Gwynneth Paltrow) sells them for drinking wine for a couple thousand dollars each.

  • Zapple

    You watch, Taylor’s going to take it all!

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Terrifying!

  • Zapple

    Kenichi is amazing. Love that guy.

  • ajr86

    For all of you who didn’t realize, the acts that made it through last week performed in the latter half of the show. The first 6 acts to perform no matter how talented, like Kristef Bros and Catapult went home. That means one of the last 3 acts to perform are likely to win. Its between Kenichi, Taylor and Forte.

  • The Moist

    I think it’s either Kenichi or Forte. Taylor has no hope.

  • Zapple

    But Taylor will be in a sitcom next year.hah

  • Zapple

    Tomorrow is the finale! Or should I say the Finally!

  • http://mj Shnugs

    Interesting.

  • The Moist

    Just as long as it’s not Cami. I will cry blood.

  • alonzo7

    Gave most of my votes to Kenici-a few to Collins and a couple to Forte-they gave stunning performances.
    Please America, no country singer this year.

  • The Moist

    I just realise what’s missing: shirtless people. Clearly none of these people wants it enough.

  • Zapple

    Yes, it was a sad day when ‘shirtless cowboy’ went home. *sigh*

  • The Moist

    Kenichi Ebina should have taken over the shirtless role. He was my last hope when Timber Brown was sent home.

  • Pablito Garcia

    You do realize that was the POINT I was making right? That “thimble magic” is now “irrelevant” it doesn’t look like magic with ordinary things anymore. Here’s a piece of thimble magic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT59HK–22Y

  • Pablito Garcia

    By the way, thanks for guest blogging.

  • http://wordnerds.omgforum.net Made

    If Kenichi doesn’t win, I will be extremely disappointed with America! This guy is truly outstanding, an act like no other AGT has seen, IMO.

  • dd999

    Kenichi was amazing and has an extraordinary talent and should probably win or Forte. However, with so many teens voting for Collins could he possibly steal the win? …would not be a good thing! I really enjoy Taylor, the audience went wild for him, the judges love him, and he had Nick bending over laughing. This guy, I think, definitely has a career win or lose!!!!

  • mitchellvii

    Dear OP:

    Seriously what the hell is wrong with you? Are you really that full of hate for everyone wildly more talented than yourself?

    Cami Bradley is amazing. A “famewhore”? Really? I would buy her record tomorrow and you are a jealous idiot.

  • CB40

    This recap was funnier and more entertaining than those acts, that’s for sure!

  • hillbillybill

    You seem to be basing your analysis on talent. Hmmm… You do know that America is voting don’t you? You do know that a WGWG is left in the competition don’t you? It would seem to me that the favorite to win would be Jimmy Rose. I haven’t even watched the show, and I base this on shock after shock by the way America votes.

    By the way, I hope you’re right and I am wrong.