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Time to find out who gets the remaining four spots in the semi-finals, 9 PM EST on NBC, the network that once considered Supertrain to be top-tier programming. Which acts will join shadow-dance troupe Catapult, an obvious shoo-in? Join us here as we learn those results while simultaneously being blinded by Nick’s suit-shirt-tie ensemble and bored to a stupor by the mindless filler that makes up 80% of the hour. It’s more exciting than watching Anthony Weiner’s mayoral campaign peter out. Ha, peter!
In another crushing blow to the fragile pre-teen egos of Ruby and Jonas, Hollywood Life thought D’Angelo and Amanda were the second best act after Catapult last night. Following them, says the manically banal entertainment site, were the “seemingly rough around the edges” (seemingly?) Dave Fenley, the “soulful” gospel choir, and comedian John Wing’s “dry wit and sarcasm.” So Sam Johnson sacrificed his hat for naught.
And off we go. Nick is in gray with a subdued black-and-white striped tie. Maybe he’s in mourning for the dying ratings. Thus begins the montage of last night’s acts, and the performers’ Sybil-like range of reactions to the judges’ evaluations.
In the Orville Redenbacher Lounge, everyone is screaming, waving bags of popcorn, and climbing on the furniture. Were they raised in a barn? We didn’t even have any country singers last night.
During the Snapple Half ‘n Half-Time Report, Nick leaves the theater to talk to people in the street. It’s all very unrehearsed. Then comes Train, a group consisting of a guy who looks like a young Neil Diamond singing with a woman who looks like a blond Cher, while a Howie clone plays guitar and smiles a lot. It’s all very unrehearsed.
First result time. The gospel chorale, Dave Fenley, and Selena Mhyckynd-Tsee Gordon step forward. Who shall go the the semi-finals? Dave Fenley, but of course. America likes a guy entirely dressed from the Goodwill shop. Mel praises him, her bosom threatening to leap from her neckline with each gesticulation.
Now 2Unique, Sam Johnson, Catapult, and little Melody Howeveryouspellit come on stage to wait while Nick announces that Catapult has won the next spot. 2Unique looks 2bitter. Howard calls the dancers’ performance last night THE BEST EVER ACT ON AGT. Better even than Kenichi Ebina, the previous BEST EVER ACT ON AGT.
With only two spots left, Nick helpfully points out that whoever gets them will join a bunch of other acts that won in the previous weeks. Any excuse for a montage of old clips. He interviews the two dance teams, the comedian, and the weirdo machine guy, providing no new insight or information other than the fact that the weirdo has a girlfriend. Maybe he devises Rube Goldberg-operated vibrators for her.
Now AGT-losing comedian Tom Cotter performs, confirming just why he didn’t win. His shiny suit and orange tie are more entertaining than he is. Dear Mr. Cotter: Please excuse us from this performance. Signed, Shnugs’ Mother.
Now the kiddie dance teams are brought forward to face off one against the other and create a Rich Man, Poor Man situation for the family of the siblings. D’Angelo and Amanda get the spot. Ruby is going to poison D’Angelo’s Snapple. He claims he feels terrible that his little sister didn’t make it, too, and she clings to him while they both sob. Wait, not Rich Man, Poor Man–Flowers in the Attic.
The three remaining acts are next to hear their fate. Duo Resonance, John Wing, and Sprice line up. The act going home first is Sprice, who will now work tirelessly to perfect the diabolical Rube Goldberg machine in his basement by using it to murder drifters he lures home from the bus station.
So who will be the judges pick of these last two acts? Heidi finds it hard to choose, but decides on DR. After explaining why it’s hard to be a comedian, and also why it’s hard to be a pair of acrobatic whatever those two are, Howie chooses John. Mel says she laughs at John every time, and finds DR really hot. She sides with the part of her body that reacts to John. Howard applauds DR for not being cheesy, always an accomplishment on this show, while praising John as a great comic for the AGT stage, which Cotter proves is an even greater accomplishment on this show. He goes with John, making him the fourth winner tonight.
Wild card picks! Heidi sticks with Duo Resonance and Mel goes for the Booty guy (B DOUBLE O-T-Y), for God’s sake.
Next week, the new performances by the semi-finalists. See you then!
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